It's been a long time coming but here we are...

As I am writing this to you there is concentrated electricity plummeting from the heavens into the sleeping city where I live. I can hear it cracking and smashing into the earth as rain pours down on the roofs of all those sleeping in this land of gracious living. All the while I am very much awake,yet still in many ways asleep myself. Well so it's been over 2 months since I have posted anything new on this blog. I can't really tell you why either. I have had plenty to write about and there is really no way that I can do a recap of what's been going on with at this juncture. I have had incredible highs and dismal lows. I have had friends die, I have had people close to me welcome new life into the world. I have built new relationships that I value and I have watched the strain of time put distance between myself and some of my closest friends. I have seen many faces smile back at me and many faces display looks that cause me to wonder. The truth is I have had plenty to write about, many experiences that at a certain season of my life I would have been too eager to have shared them all with anyone willing to waste the time to read about them. I just for whatever reason never once over the past couple months felt compelled enough to write about any of them.


I find myself in a season of myself that feels new yet familiar. I have come to a sort of crossroads where I can feel great change on the horizon,and I am not sure what it is or where it will take me and I just don't know how to feel about it really. I want to take an attitude of adventure and a lust for what the future will hold. But it's hard when you feel unprepared. I know that I am in many ways ready for whatever the next step is, and I would love to tell you that fear is something I seldom experience in reference to new endeavors. But the truth is, I am just as scared as anyone and everyone else is about everything around them. Whether we are able to admit or not. I think that sometimes I don't even realize just how scared I really am. Nor do I realize what exactly it is that I am scared of. But there is no doubt that I am honest enough with myself today to know that I am scared. Scared to death sometimes. I am scared that I don't know who or what I really am. What I am good at. Recently I was approached by a reader of this blog while I was out with a friend. Now I didn't know this individual personally, but he was a friend of a friend and said that he really enjoyed my writing. His words were "You are in your element when you are writing". Which is an incredible compliment,to someone who wants nothing more than to be a writer. I think when I started this I did it for the right reasons. I mean without this blog I could have lost my mind. It literally saved my sanity to a degree. But I think that at some point I thought of myself as more of a singer who was pretending to be a writer. Or an actor who was pretending to be a writer. But if I am in my element when I am writing, I am afraid that in many capacities I am a writer that has been pretending to be...I don' know a human?


I love writing I really do. But if I spent the past couple months surrounded by inspiration but lacked the drive to actually sit down and spend the time needed to write based on that inspiration, then am I really even a writer? What if I am nothing? What if I am just a big nothing? I mean, I know a few people read this, but that doesn't really mean that I am a writer in any sense of the word. I don't really even know if anyone actually reads this to be honest. Well I do know that people read it, but it's been a few months and the way that the human attention span works I can honestly say that I have very little faith that anyone will care enough to read this. Except for my Mom and/or Grandparents of course. Hi guys. Love you. One thing I am really afraid of is that I will spend the rest of my life just barely happy being good at a handful of things, but great at nothing. That I don't have just one defining talent that stands out from the rest. Nothing that will set me apart in the eyes of others. Which I know isn't everything, but it's nice. For some it's really important too. As all my gifts and talents go unused due to my lack of action in pursuing the proper channels required to really optimize their use, I am really quite afraid that I will not ever do anything with any of them. Simply because I never felt like I was great at any of them.


I have seen a lot of couples everywhere I go lately too. People getting married. People right in the midst of that great part of new love where you enjoy that person your with so much and their company solves everything and blinds you to the bigger problems of the world and even your immediate surroundings. People in love. New boyfriends. New girlfriends. Yet here I am alone,by choice. I know it's not because I can't find a girlfriend or someone to be with.But because I am scared of what a relationship might mean for me at this point in my journey. A big part of me is afraid that I will always misjudge the person I am with and compare them to the one great love I have had. I am afraid that, even though it ended horribly and took a long time to get over, I will never find someone that I feel for the way that I felt for her. I have met girls that I really like. And girls that I place in my life simply as a diversion from what may be the real problem. So far I have not met one that I have felt that connection with. I understand that sometimes that connection develops over time and we don't really have to much control over what kind of a time line life puts us on for it to happen. I could right now be spending time with the person I am supposed to spend the rest of my life with and not even know it. But I am also deathly afraid that I will never find that person. Or that I already have and through my flaws and inability to recognize what's good for me I have already pushed them away for good. With every night that I come home alone without that feeling I once shared with someone else who was my world, and with each night that in place of that feeling is the dull aching pain of loneliness and the longing for companionship,the fear of a lifetime alone only knowing heartache after heartache grows. It does not grow silently anymore either.



I am afraid of getting older. I am still young by standards of many. But I am not getting any younger. I will be 25 this summer. My littlest brother is 20! It also seems as though the weeks and months are flying by faster than they ever have before.I am afraid of getting older for many reasons. One reason would be obvious if you have ever seen my Grandfather's hairline! I mean, God bless him he makes it look as good as he can. But I am so deathly afraid that I will inherit his "Colonial Sanders" hairline once I am in my 30's and I will have the little tuft of wispy hair on the front of my head like a little horn. Coupled with the gnarly Nicholas Cage recession of hair. As if all that I once so lovingly shampooed and conditioned and styled will just retreat from my face exposing my billboard of a forehead and my sidecar ears. I shutter to think of this possibility. Another reason I am scared to grow old is because of every single generation that has come after my generation. Hell I am terrified that "my generation" has somehow snuck through some of the loop holes in natural selection and instead of bettering the world in any perceivable way they have instead participated in the trends that have corrupted many and the epidemics that have claimed many lives. My generation has helped to populate the planet with a whole slough of children whose parents were too busy and too concerned with their own drama to be a parent at all. It's not just always because of self centeredness either. A lot of parents my age are not parents at all simply because they in many ways never grew up themselves. Babies having babies and Grandparents raising everyone.


These are the people that will inherit the world if/when I get old. The future leader of this country is a punk jerk kid who is part of the "YouTube Generation" that has had everything afforded to them and will never know how to appreciate any of it. I get so nervous to think that if I get old, the President of the United States of America will have never known about VHS cassettes or parachute pants. I have always viewed the notion of dying young to be a very romantic and alluring prospect. But even that scares me because what if you just die young and you are remembered for nothing? What if you didn't do enough in the short period of time you were given to live on the memories of those who survived you?


Basically folks. I am scared of myself. I am scared of the world, and I think it's not only healthy to be scared to a certian degree, but I honeslty feel healthier already for admitting it. You can view what I am saying here whatever way you want to because I am still not even sure myself jsut how I am meaning it. I am sorry I didn't write anything for such a long time. It's not like you were actually waiting for me to post something new. Just like it's highly unlikely that anyone has actually read this entry up to this point, and if you did I would never know because nobody ever leaves a comment. Oh whatever. I am glad I wrote something. It doesn't answer any questions I had, or really makeme feel too much better. But I did write. Whatever. Goodnight