Excuse me Ms. but can you please not lick my face?

Well so much has happened over the past few days that I know that I am not going to be able to fit it all into this blog. So I am not even going to try. What I am instead going to do is tell a story of events that took place on Monday night. Now just so you know right now, I am going to change the names of a few people just so as to not embarrass them or anything. If they read this there is no doubt that they are going to be very very mad at me regardless of whether I include their real name or not. So I don't want to make things worse. Aside from the one name I am going to change all the events described really happened and in the order they are described to the best of my recollection.


So my friend Cody,who I went to High School with all those years and years ago is in a band. It's a rather good band to. They are called "The Dahmer Party" and have a good sound I must say. And I am not just saying that because the lead singer has been a friend of mine since freshmen year either,they really are good. Anyway they were doing a show on monday night at The Slidebar which is in the downtown Fullerton area. Now normally I am not a huge fan of The Slidebar. It's usually way over crowded and hard to maneuver through,they is often a over abundance of big lame bro type guys with stars tattooed all over them wearing Famous Stars and Straps or SRH shirts and hats and socks and whatever else they can buy that will match their pathetic follower persona. I also don't go there too much because the patio area is really the best and only place to hangout there, and it seems like every couple feet they have these huge lamp post heater type things that burn hot like the fires of Hades. Like they would literally burn a wig right off someone's head if they were tall enough. I like hanging out but not at the price of having my face melted in a public place. But we wanted to go to support The Dahmer Party so Slidebar it was to be.


Now my usual company for evenings out is my buddy Tristan and Nate. Tonight would be no different except that for whatever reason none of us had cars to drive that night. I haven't had my own car since being back from jail,and Tristan totaled his car a few weeks ago on Valentine's day coming to pick me up to go to a party,and Nate's truck was having work done to it. So we pooled our collective efforts to try and find a ride. But to no avail. I wanted to get a ride from a gal friend of mine but she was already there. Nothing else was working. Here's where we dip back for a little back story on a key character in tonight's story. We will call her "Gina" for lack of a better name that wouldn't give away her true identity. Now Gina is a girl that I had met a few weeks back and had developed a sort of friendship with. She was good friends with Nate's ex girlfriend of a number of years and that's how I met her. It turned out through talking that we knew alot of the same people and had alot of things in common. Except for one thing. Now while she is a nice girl and I enjoy hanging out with her form time to time,friendship is pretty much where my interest ends with her. She has a son,she drinks alot,smokes too much, and is kind of on the "healthy side" of body types to put it gently that she is kinda out of shape. Well I guess she is in shape,but that shape is just kinda round. I'll stop now.

Now I can kinda tell having seen it before,when a girl is into you that you have no interest in other than friendship,the signs they put out there. And I don't know how to politely let them know that I am not about it without hurting anyone's feelings. And I also don't really know how to just hangout with someone like that without I guess giving them the impression that there could be something more? Does that make sense? Well anyway, she had been texting me all day wanting to hangout. We needed a ride to downtown,and she actually is pretty fun. So I cleared it with my counterparts and set it up to where she would come and pick me up,then we would go get Tristan and then Nate. We were on our way! We got to the Slidebar,and Tristan didn't have is ID with him. No Tristan and I(not to sound as if I am bragging or anything,just simply stating)know just about every door person,security guard,or bouncer in downtown fullerton. Not because we are just so cool or anything,but because we just do I guess. Well it would just so happen that on this very night is when the only two new bouncers at Slidebar who don't know Tristan are working. So what are we going to do? The way Slidebar is now is they had an arcade,that they cleared out to put a little stage in for bands,it has a door going out to the street on Commonwealth where the bands can load up equipment and what not. So we walked Tristan around to the front and snuck him in there.


The show was great. The Dahmer Party do this really cool thing where they have a projection screen behind them playing different crazy scenes form old black and white silent movies and like 1920's cartoons and stuff. It was neat. The music was good too. So we all went ot Bourban Street afterwards and did karaoke for a bit. It was Gina, Tristan, Nate and me. And Gina was,like everytime I have hung out with her,drinking heavily,and getting pretty drunk. We then went to The Back Alley and danced stupidly in the mostly empty place. There wasn't alot of people there,so everyone there just kind of crowded around me and Tristan and my friend Mike who goes by the nickname "Pickle" as we traded off doing ridiculous dance moves in a sort of "dance off. Me and my friends Brodi and Johnny B. Good(yes that's his real name,his parents had a sense of humor)and Tristan went next door to ENVY and danced liked flamboyant homosexuals with eachother,purely making fun,being that mondays at ENVY are "Gay Night" and there were no legitimate gay people in there at the time. We really had a good night. It was lots of fun,and Tristan and Nate seemed to like hanging out with Gina as much as she did with them. But it was now time to head back and Gina was way too drunk to drive so I took the wheel and dropped Tristan and Nate off at Nate's house,then drove back to my house. Now even though I have truthfully done it a million times that I should have gotten caught for,I am in no way an advocate for drunk driving. It's dangerous,it's stupid,and more than anything it's expensive and can get you put in jail. But once we got to my house,we had the problem of how Gina was going to get home. There was no way I was going to let her hangout at my place,so I decided I would follow her back to where she lives in one of the cars at my house.


So now this is where things get gnarly. and I am just going to warn you that things get pretty gross right here. She safely made it back to her house. And I am turning around in the coulda sack to leave and I stopped in front of her house to just say bye. She comes running up to the driver's side and opens my door to thank me and give me a hug,so I thought. Now remember she is pretty drunk. But Gina opens the door and just attacks my face like an animal. I am shocked and appalled at what's going on! I was under attack! She was drunkenly trying to kiss me! Basically sexual assault with me stuck in a car. I couldn't move my body at all to get away,only my head and neck and even that was barely working. I wanted to scream! But no sound came out. She smelled so strongly of alcohol I wanted to puke. And the worst part of it was that SHE WAS LICKING MY FACE! Like worse than a dog. Why?! Why would anyone do that?! I couldn't believe what was happening. What did I do to deserve this? I didn't think that I did anything to give anyone the impression that it would ever in any capacity be alright to lick my frickin' face,come on! After a little bit of this awkward face licking attack I gained my composure somewhat and kind of pushed her face away from mine. Still shocked and totally grossed out I just kind of mumbled a farewell and drove off.


I was seriously going to puke. I could not believe what had just happened. I felt violated,and my face was wet and smelled like alcohol saliva. I was choking back vomit as I drove. I had to tell someone quick to take my mind off it. So I look in my inbox of text messages to reply to a text from a friend of mine. I don't have the text I sent anymore,but it was something to the affect of" Oh my God (person's name)I am seriously going to puke right now! I need to wash my face so bad. The most disgusting thing ever just happened. I really think I am going to puke" or something like that. But then I get a text a few moments later from Gina,and she was very angry saying stuff like"Go screw yourself" "have a nice life you jerk" and various other mean things. Then she texts me "Did you throw up yet?" Wait! I didn't send that ext to my other friend at all did I?! I frantically access my sent messages, and find that I accidentally sent that message about throwing up to Gina, and not my friend. OOOOOOOOOOUUUCCCHHH!!! What an idiot! How does that happen? Who does that? Well I guess I do. Now can you imagine,your a drunk girl and you just tried to kiss and lick the face of a guy you kinda have a thing for,he leaves,and then a few minutes later you get a text from this guy,but it's addressed to somebody else,and he's saying he is going to throw up because of what you just did. I felt sooooo bad for my mistake. I mean,even though I was the one who got assaulted and slobbered on,I still felt bad.

Basically I was able to smooth things out and we are still friends. I explained to her in a nice way that I am just not into her like that. And that it wasn't exactly her that grossed me out so much(small lie)but just the fact that there was so much human saliva on my face period. You see, I am just not a fan of being licked at all. Not really high on my list of things I dig. I don't like dogs to do it, and their mouths are supposed to be like a million times cleaner than humans. So why I would ever want a human to do it, I don't know. It's not even that Gina isn't very attractive that causes such an aversion for me to being licked. If it was a totally hot supermodel I was hanging out with,and she started drunkenly licking my face,I would feel just as grossed out. But now Gina and I have an understanding about our friendship(that is unless she ever reads this)and with a little luck I will never ever be licked on the face or kiss attacked by her or anyone else in the rest of my life. I have had girls in the past get the wrong idea and try and kiss me, and it never really gets easier to deal with. Somebody always ends up feeling sore after the conversation to set things straight is had,and it's not always as easy as it would seem to be. But luckily that is the only time a girl has ever tried licking my face like I was cherry flavored or something. I don't know, what are you supposed to say to someone in that situation? Excuse me Ms. but can you please not lick my face?

A night in Hollywood and memories...Happy Birthday Matthias!

So last night was sort of a celebration for my friend Matthias' birthday in a way I guess. Matthias is a really cool laid back guy who somehow tolerates my idiocy and actually by some miracle seems to genuinely enjoy my company. Go figure right? Anyway, so a friend of ours named Ryan Webster,who is an extremely talented musician,was doing a show out in Hollywood at the Key Club. So I took Matthias and his lady friend Hannah to go and see them. You see Ryan writes the songs that he performs,and both of my little brothers are part of his accompanying band. So they are very enjoyable on many different levels as you can understand. So Matthias, Hannah and myself drove out there in my little brother's beat up purple Jeep Cherokee "Livius Prime" and saw the show,and drove back immediately after.

Neither of my little brothers wanted to spend any more time there then was necessary and I just assumed that Matthias and Hannah did not want to either,so we basically drove a few hours to see 35 minute set. Not that it wasn't completely worth it. Don't get me wrong,it was. I encourage anyone reading this to check out Ryan Webster on myspace and get on the band wagon before he blows up and gets huge because his music is great. It was worth it, but I just personally don't like going to Hollywood, West LA, Beverly Hills, or even Pasadena unless I am going to be spending the entire night down there. It's an area of such energy and has such a dirty edge that I enjoy that when I am there I try and stay as long as I can until everything is closed and you find your way into some crazy after hours spot or some house in the hills where beautiful people are doing ugly things in a beautiful way. If that makes sense. I love Los Angeles. For many different reasons. And am certain that I will eventually move out that way to pursue whatever it is that the Lord has it mind that I am to pursue. I can tell you some crazy CRAZY stories about trips I have taken into Hollywood. I have literally taken trips to Hollywood and come back with tattoos the next morning.

I will tell you this one,because if I edit it in the right way it can be PG-13 for it's purpose. One night a few years ago, myself and a my partner(who will remain nameless for protection,but she knows who she is and alot of you do to)took a trip down to Beverly Hills and then worked our way back towards Hollywood and ended up just walking around on the strip and the blvd. This story stands out in my head because it was the first time I ever heard what would become one of my favorite bands ever and ultimately a friendship. So after awhile we find ourselves at Hollywood and Highland at The Knitting Factory. We ask the guy out front who was playing and he says "Oh some band form San Fransisco, they only have a couple songs left,you can just go in man". So we went inside. Inside of the smaller stage area, I see a the lead singer with red lipstick on and tattoos and wearing a feather boa while two gorgeous,scantly clad girls circle around the stage area doing soft-tap in between singing back up. It was such an awesome spectacle! The music was everything I love about rock. Glamour, decadence, power, sexiness, and face bruising guitar. I asked the guy at a merchandise table if this band that was playing was who he was promoting and he pointed over to another table. That's where I saw the words "Triple Cobra" printed on a banner. I purchased one of their cd's and we made our way back into the night. That is by no means the end of my stories with Triple Cobra. But we will save all of that for another day. Anyway though,check out Triple Cobra.you've never seen anything like it,believe me.


So after that things got a little wild, to say the least. I will not go to much into it because like I have said before, my parents do read this blog regularly and they are old enough to where I couldn't forgive myself for being responsible for one of them having a heart attack. So I will fast forward to the next morning as we are walking down Sunset back to where I parked my car. We have not slept at all and I am very very tired and have quite a ways to drive still. So we get in and get on the freeway. Once on the freeway I start crashing out,like literally falling asleep. I couldn't tell you what freeway I was on,or how fast I was going or anyhting like that. But here is what I do vaguely remember: I remember my friend asking me if I was cool to drive and me telling her I was. I then remember her asking me again and saying that I am almost hitting the center divider of the freeway. I then remember thinking that I could close my eyes for just a moment and probably be alright. I then remember scraping the whole side of my car on the center divider of whatever freeway it was that we were on at the time and somehow not completely crashing and killing us both. I then remember pulling over on the side of the and telling my friend that it was now ok for her to drive. Then I went into a deep deeeeeep sleep the likes of which I did not awaken from until we got back to my place sometime in the morning. I remember her saying that she needed me to take her home and I remember just passing out on my bed and telling her to go to sleep.

So that Hollywood trip ended with body damage to my car and me discovering Triple Cobra. And a whole lotta other memories too. So it just makes me think of everything we may have missed out on going back to OC so early in the night after the show. But you know when your exploring the night,you have to be with a group that are just as if not more interested in what possibilities the night may hold for you. Otherwise it can be a bad experience. And besides, I am kind of living in a state of financial destitution, and unfortunately do not have the healthy entertainment budget that I used to before I went to jail. So it might've turned out week anyway. It was still just fun to go and support Ryan and spend soem time with Matthias and his lady friend. I used to be able to trick Matthias into going out with me for an evening and then I would take him on wild trips to various seedy establishments and dance clubs and other places that made him feel out of place and nervous. So if he hadn't have had Hannah with him I would've fully taken advantage of the oppurtunity to take him hostage in Hollywood. But maybe next time. Well actually he'll proabaly read this and never leave Orange County withme again! Well I just screwed that plan up.

Oh well. Overall the rest of the weekend was fun. Because of me still getting over pinkeye I have been wearing sunglasses inside,at night, pretty much all the time. Hopefully this is the last weekend for that. You should've seen the looks I got at church. Because without the glasses, I pretty much just look like I am stoned. LIke high out of my mind. And with my history, I kinda raise eyebrows when I show up somewhere with bright red eyes. Probation should be fun tomorrow. Anyway it's late and I am just rambling now. Talk to y'all soon.

Women and the other reasons I will die alone with nobody to carry on my name...

Ooooooooooooooooooooooohhh man this is going to be a wild one. Let me just first apologize this instant for the very high level of spelling errors that are going to be in this entry. I am in a very heated mood and will more likely than not pay even less attention to detail then I usually do so just bare with me here. And secondly let me just say that this will most likely be one of those things I just go head into without thinking too much about it. Then later when I read it back I am staggered by some of the information I divulged and some of the things I said in the heat of the moment and the feelings I was feeling. So just so you all know this next entry was written when Jordan probably should have just cried himself to sleep listening to oldies on the AM radio like most wednesday nights. So you very well may get a very small glimpse into just how crazy I really am. Oh well, I wont regret this till later so here it goes.

Oh and I know I haven't posted anything in over a week. I have had plenty to write about, I have just been preoccupied on different levels and also pretty depressed at times and just was not able to bring myself to write. To sum it up I caught pinkeye and missed a week of work and went crazy sitting around at home. Went out a few times and wore eye-patches and sunglasses at night. Had a horrible Valentine's day that resulted in a really good friend of mine getting poisoned basically and getting a DUI on his way to come pick me up. I also realized on Valentine's Day just how utterly lonely and pathetic I am in the relationship department and in some small way came to grips with why I will probably die alone and un-happy with the choices I have made. I still have pinkeye but am getting better. I have gone back to work and just wear sunglasses inside while working. Am still clearly very crazy and lonely but talented and genius and all that great stuff at the same time. I think that about sums it up right? I am sure there is alot more I get into but it'll have to wait. And I am vowing right here and now to start writing atleast 3 times a week from here on out. I just need you all to read it and leave comments so I have statistics to show sponsors and what not. Anyway.


So everyone has that one person in their life that does something in explainable to you when you see them. That person that will forever,no matter what happens in life, have your ugly little blackened heart in a headlock to some degree. It doesn't matter how much time passes in between your seeing them,when your around them you go stupid whether you want to or not. It could be someone that you have a crush on. It could be someone that your dating. Or it could even be someone that you were in love with at one point in your life and they are now just someone you see out here and there. Except they are never going to be "just someone" you used to know. Oh no! When you are around them you cant talk. Your palms sweat. Your knees feel weak. Your throat goes dry and start feeling dizzy. You get butterflies in your stomach and your whole being is overtaken with stupidity and brash hard exaggerated feelings that over power everything else. Everything is magnified to a surreal dreamlike state surrounding them. And no matter what you do you are stuck like that in their presence. Now I have different feelings about people like this. One the one hand I hope that nobody has to ever go through the embarrassment of what I just described. Because I left out the part where your friends and everyone else around you just stares at you like your an idiot. Which for that time you are. But I also hope that everyone has had or does currently have someone in their lives that does this to them. Because it makes you feel alive,very alive. I am not a huge fan of feelings sometimes,but it is good to be reminded that you are human.


Now I definitely have someone in my life who still does that to me. And let me tell you that it sucks. And I pretty much hate it I think,although at the same time I love it to death and wish it would never end. It's just weird like that. After all the time that has passed since this person and I were together in a relationship, I still get absolutely retarded around her and I think she knows it too. Ok I am just going to let you know that this person is In fact a girl. She is also an x-girlfriend of mine. She also happens to be the only girl I have dated who I ever really loved. The only girl I was ever able to see a real future with. The only girl that I would've had no doubt about marrying and starting a family with,the only girl that I was sure my family loved just as much as I did. The only girl I would die for, kill for,live for. So I guess you can kind of in some small way understand why she still has an effect on me somewhat. I used to tell her that "I would cross a thousand miles of broken glass on my hands and knees to get to you" and I meant it. She was my life for a longtime,even after she left me. And in some small weird way still is a part of my life. Even though I am almost certain she does not feel the same way about me in the least little bit,it's still true for me. Which is sad I know,but hey,I am just gay like that I guess.

She is the thing I loved the most. And also one of the people that I probably hurt the most out of anyone. Its always funny how that works out isn't it? But so anyway, I do still think about her, of course. But I am usually ok with that because I am able to tell myself the truth to reel myself in. I just remind myself that she doesn't think about me, she probably doesn't miss me at all, and she has already moved on,probably a whole bunch of different times and she is in fact probably this instant with someone new not thinking about me at all. And I am probably right too! Which is good! I can't stay hung up on her forever. She sure didn't. So I do alright with that train of thought no matter how depressing it is. I do fine that is...until I see her. Shit!!! Why do I have to see her?!?!? And further more why does she have to be nice to me? Why is she still the most beautiful girl I have ever seen in my life? And why do I get the creeping suspicion that she knows exactly what she does to my little peanut sized brain every time I see her and has no problem exploiting it? of course she knows! She is in fact a girl,as we established earlier,or woman rather Why does this still happen to me? Does a similiar phenomenom happen to her when she sees me? Or does she just get bummed out? Shiiiit!!! Excuse my language,but really it's absolutely ridiculous!


I go nuts! And I would be lying if I said that I don't still think about her romantically and don't somewhere deep in the back of my mind hold onto to the foolish empty impossible notion that we might someday get back together. That after all of the hundreds of thousands of guys she has dated and had sex with she finally realizes that she made a huge mistake when she left me and that she wants to be with me forever and ever and have a family and everything we are told we are supposed to want in life. And me like an idiot would of course jump right on board with that idea at once despite everything I know is true and wish wasn't. Okay I am being a little hard here. But the truth is that since we broke up,she has had a few other boyfriends,I mean hey,she obviously wanted to forget about me as fast as possible,and I don't blame her really. A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do sometimes,and she did. I even helped her out! I made it sooooo easy to forget all about me, I literally vanished completely from her life for over four months while I was in jail. During that time she had a boyfriend,broke up and found another one and broke up. Basically she is as over me as anyone can possibly be. I mean,and this really reeeeeeally killed me,but I even saw her with another guy tonight. Kissed him,smiled at him,looked happy with him. I wanted to die right then and probably would have if I didn't have to work the next day,but yeah, she is not anyone who even cares about me. She really is just someone I used to know I guess. To her.


I just want to know why I still get like that when I see her?!?!?! How can this be fair that she has no problem kissing her new guy friend or whoever he is to her right in front of me(ok it wasn't exactly right in front of me but we were in the same place,and I wasn't like hiding in a corner looking at them or anything,exactly,really,she knew I was there ok?!) and I get crippled whenever I see her. Then I also feel suicidal and angry and just want to vanish into thin air or burst into flames and jump on top of young couples and burn them too when I see her with another guy or even just enjoying life without me? And ok maybe not suicidal.ok yeah kinda. It just doesn't seem fair at all. And why was the guy she with so lame looking too? I don't know what's worse? Seeing the only girl you've ever really loved with a guy who is totally bigger and stronger and better looking than you are? Or seeing her with a guy with trashy clothes on who does not appear be anywhere near in as good of shape as you are,and who has disgusting facial hair and is clearly by the standards of any woman who is not blind nowhere near as goodlooking as you are? (No I am not bitter)Which is what happened tonight. Another thing, why does this sort of thing have to be a part of my life when she clearly never went through,and is clearly still not going through anything remotely resembling my plight? How come she just got to get over it so quick like nothing? Why am I the only one who walked away from this thing all screwed? Surely she isn't just doing a great job of hiding it right?


Now I left for over four months. Why don't I get that?
And honestly I am saying this in no way meaning any type of harm or ill will towards anyone at all. And I do not want this to be perceived as a threat or anythinglike that because this is just me talking. Why can't it just be like,when two people break up,one of them dies,or blows up and disapears or something? This whole thing would be alot easier I am sure if I never ever had to see her again. If she just died in a fiery car crash on video,not only would I never have to worry about running into her anywhere and having all those feelings rush back,but it would also make a really good sympathy story to tell new chicks! "Yeah I just don't know if I can ever feel for anyone again. You see the only girl I have ever loved died in horribly fiery car crash...here look at this video". I wonder if chicks would dig that?


I don't know everyone. A terribly big part of me feels stupid and lame for still having these feelings even after everything,but I can't help it because another part of me feels like the only reason I still have these feelings is because it is something real that is meant to be and it's just a matter of time before she feels the same way too and I shouldn't let go for that very reason. It'sjust all so ridiculous. And I STILL feel like crap,even though seeing her made me feel the most alive I have felt in some time. Seeing her with that lame dude later in the night made me feel more dead inside then I do most days at any given time. Geez I don't know. I hate this crap.But I hope hse is ok too. I am done writing abou this tonight. Because I have already said way too much that I am going to regret later on. Man I am not looking forward to re-reading this one later.

100 miles in cowboy boots (Sunday Night)

So last night started out just like any other goodtime sunday night that I might have. But little did I know at it's beginning that it would become one of my infamous epic journeys that cover a whole lot of land and ultimately lead to me having to take a look into certain elements of my life that I can change so I don't go through the same thing again.I went to church with my parents and enjoyed the service. Got some food with my parents afterwards and went home to relax for a bit before going out. Now for awhile I worked as a bartender in a bowling alley. I know,classy guy right? Anyway I used to work sunday nights with a really good friend of mine who we will call Jay. Every sunday night we would go out after work. So last night I planned on going to my old work and hanging out until Jay got off of work and we could go out and sing some karaoke or play some pool or whatever. Our friend "Jeff" who is the owner of the bowling alley's brother-in-law and used to be a DJ there on the weekends was going to go with us. He was promoted to a manager's position recently and was working last night.

So I show up,say my hi's and wuzzup's to everyone. Then proceed to contact my friend Tristan to come meet me there so we can bowl a little bit to pass some time before Jay and Jeff get off of work. Now I worked at a bowling alley for awhile,I can pretty much bowl whenever I want, but the thing is I totally suck. Like really bad. There is only one time on the Thanksgiving of 2007 that I did incredibly well, everything after that has been crap. Last night was no different. But Tristan and I have an uncanny ability to make anything fun so we worked it out. Tristan left after we bowled and I waited for Jay and Jeff.

The plan was to go to a small bar called TJ's to play some pool and talk loudly about things that either made no sense or just didn't matter. Jay lives just around the corner from there,so he would just go home. But the real problem came about when at the end of the night Jeff who was supposed to give me a ride home before he headed to his own home in Anaheim was far too intoxicated to be driving. Me being the kind of person I am and being also someone who doesn't drink,I couldn't let my friend risk getting in trouble. So I decided that I should drive him home in his car and then I would either find a ride,take a cab or ride the bus home. I do this often for strangers even. I don't mind driving someone home in there car to help them avoid getting in trouble with law enforcement. DUI'S are no joke. It's just usually better to have it worked out before hand that someone follows you in their car so that you are not then stranded. But I am not really known for thinking things out too far ahead.

So I am driving Jeff home in a $120,000 dollar S550 Mercedes around 2:30am and he is drunk. He is yelling at people out the window,asking where we can find girls,more drinks,food. Blasting music,calling Jay on his cellphone to swear at him and call him names. Jeff insists that he has to give me something for driving him home and takes his watch off(which is a very expensive watch might I add) and says that I am a bad friend if I don't accept it. After I take his watch and put it on he calms down a little bit and requests we stop at Carl's Jr. to get some food. So we stop and do the drive through. Watching Jeff interact with the speaker box floods my memory with memories of myself in my drinking days trying to argue with a speaker over why they can't put three Six Dollar Burger patties between two buns and charge me for one because "I am kind of a big deal". I shudder. We get back to Jeff's house and eat and talk about whatever it is that drunk people talk to sober people about. Needless to say we did not solve any major world problems.

Now I wanted to go home,and my plan was to walk down from the gated community Jeff lives in to Chapman and Euclid and catch a bus down Euclid to La Palma while trying to call my little brother to meet me somewhere along the way so I could get a ride form him. Jeff first insisted that I stay there at his house,not going to happen. I have enough trouble sleeping at my the place I am staying already. So that was out. He then insisted,as drunk people will, that I drive his car home and then bring it back in the morning. All I could picture was me getting pulled over,being a guy who just got out of jail three weeks ago,driving somebody elses Mercedes at three in the morning,trying to explain why my drunk friend who had probably already passed out wasn't answering his phone to vouche for me. That was out too. I had a bus pass with me and my little brother usually stays up late too and is open to giving rides for money. So I wasn't too worried. So I said goodnight to Jeff and started walking towards Chapman and Euclid.

Well when I get to the bus stop I see the last bus of the night pulling away without me on it. Damn. Oh well that's fine. I will just start walking down Euclid towards La Palma and call my little bro to come pick me up. Well he doesn't answer. I keep calling,no answer. I send texts. No response. I call one of our room mates Matthias to see if he can wake my brother up. No answer there either. I leave frantic messages threatening him and his personal well being if he doesn't call me back. Still didn't work. I call another room mate,offer gas money,whatever it will take. They are completely worthless for what I need being that they are out of town. I curse the names of everyone I know will not pick up if I call them. Now keep in mind that it's cold. Really cold. I am lucky to be wearing a long sleeved shirt and a thick Pea coat. But that doesn't change the fact that it's lightly raining. And I am wearing soem new cowboy boots I bought a week or so previously. Not good for walking. Oh well, I forge on, all the while continueing to attempt to contact anyone I think may possibley be able to come and save me.


I keep walking. And walking. And walking and walking. I pass Orangewood, Katella, empty shopping centers and apartment buildings. A woman in an SUV slows down and rolls down her window and says to me "Hey! Why are you walking in the rain?" Now I am a smartass, many of you know this,and I knew that she probably wouldn't be stopping to pick me up,so I answered "Walking in the rain is the new jogging in the sun". She kept driving. I kept walking. I am wondering what I did to deserve this happening to me tonight. I mean I was helping a friend out right? Why did I end up in this situation walking in the cold and rain unable to find a single person that could come to my aid. My mind quickly came upon about a million things I had done in the past that would make me deserving of what I was going through and made me realize that if karma was real I would be far worse off. if me having to walk in the rain was a return from karma for things I had done I was getting off easy. I tried to think of something else. "Man I hope somebody calls me back". "I wonder how far it is to where I need to get to?" "When do the buses start running again on Euclid?" The answer was 5:17am. "Why did I have to wear this stupid cowboy boots tonight of all nights?"

Then it started really raining. Like pouring. Just as I was walking over the 5 freeway on Euclid I thought to myself that never in my life had I forseen myself in a situation such as this. I cursed Jeff for having that last shot of Patron that put him over the edge. I cursed Jay for buying it for him and insisting he take it. I cursed myself for insisting on being the good samaritan and taking him home. I should have just let him drive himself! I cursed the expensive watch on my wrist that seemed so heavy and cold.I cursed my ex-fiance for not loving me anymore and breaking my heart despite the fact that I totally deserved everything I got. I cursed Joel Schumacher for almost destroying the Batman movie franchise. I cursed whoever made the cowboy boots I was wearing. And I cursed the maker of those instant oatmeal packets for creating something so simple to make that tastes so good. And I cusred Bill Cosby. As you can see I was pretty much just cursing everyone and everything without any real reason to do so. I was just cold and wet and my feet hurt and I guess it put me in a real cursing mood.


I finally make it to Euclid and La Palma to the bus stop that would take me to where I needed to go. I had been walking for about 2 hours. It was all the mexican maids,cooks,handymen,nanny's catching the 38 East bus at 5:05am to their various jobs,and then this tall cold wet white guy waiting at the bus stop. Needless to say I stuck out just a little bit. The bus came and picked us up,and it was sooooo nice and warm inside. I don't think I had ever been that excited to be on public transportation in my life. We all sat in silence as the bus driver drove on. I got off at La Palma and the street I live off of. I was on the home stretch!!! Almost there. I am tired,wet,cold,my feet are about to fall off inside my boots. I am just eager to be inside. It's about 5:35 at this point.


About a quarter mile from where I live I am stopped by a patrol car. Are you kidding me? Now? I am almost home! Why now!!! I have made it all this way! And you stop me now?!?! The officer in the passenger seat rolls the window down and says in that tone that only law enforcement can take,"Hey there,what are you up to walking out here in the rain?",you know where they make it sound as if you should start doubting your motivation and think of whether you are in fact doing something wrong. Now I am on search and seizure high intensity probation. Which means that at any time a cop can stop me and have every right to just search me and detain me as long as they want. And I am not doing a damn thing wrong. I mean, I just got out of jail! I am way too tired to get held up in the rain any longer. And usually I am very respectful(out a habit formed in custody)and polite to police when I am being stopped. But I had lost all of my patience with anyone and anything at this point and I think it came across in my voice more than I thought it would when I responded to the officer by saying: "Look man, I have been walking since three in the morning in the cold and rain. I have covered about a hundred miles in cowboy boots. I am tired, I am wet, I am hungry, and I am not doing anything wrong. I am on probation. Sh*t I just got out of jail 3 weeks ago! I was there over four months for drugs ok? I just want to go home. So if you are going to jam me up and search me let's get it over with because I can tell you right now that I am totally clean and am breaking no laws by walking home. So what's it going to be? Are we wasting time or I can I go home?"

The officer looked slightly shocked at the conclusion of my monologue. I truthfully was too. I didn't mean to sound so pissed off, I know this whole thing wasn't their fault. But for whatever reason they had made the mistake of stopping the wrong guy at the wrong time on the wrong night and they were now bearing the brunt of the entire evening's events effect on my manners. The officer asked me me where I did my time at. I told him. And then he just said "Alright man,have a good one". And drove off. Unbelievable! Why couldn't it have ever been that easy when I was doing something wrong? I could've just killed three people with a hammer and eaten their ears and these deputies just let me go because I am wet and cold?!?! What kind of law enforcement do we have here in Yorba Linda? But hell, what am I complaining for? I keep walking until I am inside my warm house. I take off my jacket,my boots,my clothes,and take a shower. Itwas about 6:00am when I finally went to sleep.


Now...looking back I don't regret helping my friend Jeff out. I would've felt horrible if something had happened to him and I could have prevented it. I don't drink,and I have a valid license,so why not help when I can? I don't know if it's exactly something Jesus would do,but I guess probably,I don't know,it's a good deed of sorts. I like Jeff and still don't mind. And plus I really kind of like the watch he forced on me. I do regret that I didn't drive his car home and drive it back in the morning. I regret that I didn't stay at his crib. But most of all I regret getting caught in the situation I was caught in wearing a pair of brand new cowboy boots that had never been broken in. And now granted I didn't know I would be walking that far when I wanted to be cute and where boots. And I have never owned cowboy boots before and had no way of telling whether they would be good for long distances. Oh well, whatever,it's over now. And next time I get stuck with the short end of a good deed I will do alot of things different. And just praty to God that I am wearing the right shoes.

A quick praise report and further proof that God is real and he does in fact love me!

So I had my first day back at my old job today. They were way stoked to have me back and I was very happy to be there. I am just working part time right now but my boss and I discussed the possibility of moving into a full time schedule soon within the next few weeks. I really can't complain because any work is good work really. There are sooooooo many people out there who are not able to find work at all right now,so for God to answer my prayer and to help me get one of jobs back is a real blessing. And I would like to thank all of you who also prayed for that to happen. I mean c'mon, I didn't quite or take a leave of absence, I went to jail. Not on vacation or to a rehab or "rest facility" or anything like that. I am a convicted felon/drug offender/drug addict/general badass who just got out of jail two weeks ago. I am not supposed to be able to find a job...at all. Let alone this quickly. And one that I am already good at and that is happy to have me back and are willing to do what they can to work with me? Fergitaboutit! I am truly blessed.


Another awesome occurence that took place was God taking care of me financially a little bit. Because we all know that every little bit helps right now in the recession that we are facing. So when I was given a envelope with my name on it,not specifying who it was from at all,containing a few hundred dollars,I shouted "Praise God!" and laughed out loud. I have suffered financially as I am sure you can understand. I didn't work for over four months,and the money I had waiting for me when I returned was only going to go so far. So whoever it was who gave me the money is a answer to prayer aswell. I don't know if that person reads my blog and saw my list of prayer requests for me(see past entries) or if God just put it on your heart to do what you did because you know me and my struggle. But for whatever reason it is that you did it, I deeply thank you. You have helped me out very much with your generous gift,and you have answered a prayer that cannot be answered enough right now. Just, thank you. Whoever you are. May God return the blessing to you ten fold. And may God return the blessing ten fold to anyone else who decides to do the same thing. Because that is a prayer that I will keep asking God for,and in turn I will return the favor whenever I can. Over the past 72 or so hours even before I recieved the anonymous money I have bought coffee and in one case a cheeseburger for 3 different homeless people. Two in the Anahiem area and one in Long Beach. I was doing it because of everything that God has already provided for me in my life. How great it feels to know that the master and creator of the entire universe who could blow up the entire galaxy if he wanted to, actually cares enough about little ol' me to listen to my prayers and the prayers of those who have been praying for me and actually takes the time out to answer them. So now I know that I must pass the blessing on to others who are in need just as someone passed their blessing on to me.


I just love the feeling of knowing just how blessed you really are. And the feeling that God wants nothing more than to just pour out more blessings on us who he loves dearly. The job,the money,my family,close friends,it' s all a blessing and Iknow that God is only going to do more. Whether it is through his works in my own life, or through what he prompts and puts on the hearts of his faithful servants. God is going to bless me just as I always had faith that he would. Thank you God! I am nowhere near perfect. I try hard not to but I still mess up and swear,and hurt people's feelings,and find myself in situations that are questionable,but I am working towards a higher understanding and when my faith in God's provision for us is confirmed in such an obvious way it really helps to show me a clearer path. So yeah,please read my past blog entry about my prayer requests that I am asking all of you to pray for me for. I wrote them all when I was in jail,but they are all still very accurate. And please keep praying. And thank you to everyone who has been praying for me up to this point already. Mya God bless you.


Aside from all that. I have just been having a good time being free. On the night of the SuperBowl I went to a show for my friend "Wild Wes" who is a hip hop MC. The show was in Long Beach and was alot of fun. I got to see a few close friends that I had not seen in quite some time and we all had a great time catching up. After his performance,our group of people headed down Pine Street in Long Beach to The Sevilla Cafe/Club I think it was called. It was so cool inside. There was a Enzo Miliano eventthat had gone on there earlier in the day and a huge after party for the event was happening there. Enzo Miliano is some sort of hair stylist or a brand of hair products or something. All I know is that there was alot of models there with really futuristically styled hair,and there was a pretty good DJ there too. We dance for a few hours before heading back to the OC.

Today I also went to see my Probation Officer for the second time since I have been out. Which honestly, I hate when she is rushed and we don't get a chance to really sit down. And I am not saying this to kiss ass because I told her about my blog and stuff. I know most people want to spend as little time with their PO as possible. But you have to understand, I have been on probation for awhile, and I have known my PO for awhile now too. Although I totally hated her and thought she was a lesbian at first,now I kinda like and wouldn't want a different one. She has seen me at my best, and has had to do her job when I was at my worse. Most people might have a small resentment brewing towards the person who has had to take them to jail a few times,but I am actually kinda thankful they did. I wouldn't have this blog, I wouldn't have learned everything about myself that I have,and I wouldn't have found my relationship with God the way it is now had I not gone to jail. So I guess I can kinda see that as a blessing too if I really reeeeeeally try. Anyway, I like my PO now and would rather have a moment to chat in their office instead of us both feeling rushed. But hey, wuddayagunadoo? I know that being a Probation Officer is a demanding job and thatmine does a good job. Ok now I am going to stop because now it almost feels like I am kissing ass.

Anyway. Thanks everyone again and I will see you all soon.

Attempts to pave the pathes of the information roads(Sorry)

Well today is Super Bowl Sunday. And I just arrived back at my parents house in Yorba Linda after briefly attending a gathering with some family friends. Which was great because I was able to see and chat with some folks who I hadn't talked to since before I went to jail and others I hadn't seen since they had come and visited me there at the farm. Overall it was good to feel just how loved and cared about I truly am by those I have had the pleasure of being able to grow up around. And it was more apparent than ever just how truly blessed I am. I have been lucky enough to grow up in a area of priveledge and opportunity and although my family may not have been the most wealthiest of all at times I was raised with an almost over-abundance of love and caring not only from my immediate blood,but from many others who have taken an active interest and participation in my up bringing. So to any and all of those people who I speak of,there are far too many to name, and youall know who you are, and I thank you.

I was out with a friend last night in the Fullerton area when I had the first experience with being "recognized" for my blog. Which was pretty cool I must say. He was a guy who had apparently spent time at the Musick facility while I was there and knew who I was and said that he had heard about the blog from another inmate and had been following it after his release. He knew about me getting transferred to the IRC and had questions and comments and was very pleasant. He said "Yeah man, the NightHawk flies again!" very loudly and enthuiastically so that just about everyone around us looked over curiously to see what he was talking about. It was definitely a very nice experience and hopefully it happens more and more. My ego would not mind that at all.

But aside from that I am facing several dilemas. And all of them are rather troubling to me on different levels and the nature of them is such where there is no easy answer to any of them. You see, for the longest time while I was writing this blog in jail, it was being edited for content and language for various reasons. My parents, Grandparents, people from my parents church, and law enforcment were reading the blog and so it was somewhat altered as I understand to possibly just make it a little bit more PG-13 as opposed to what the real experience was like. So now, I feel as though there are certain experiences in my life today that would not only shock and offend some readers and almost definitely shed a negative light onto my character and spirit, but could also very well be a written record of pranks and jokes I have played on strangers that had no idea who perpatrated the acts. Thus incriminating me.

There are things, that are not even necessarily evil and wicked,but more of just mischievious and naughty if you will,that have happened even since the last time that I posted a blog entry,that I am so very reluctant to post any type of entry in regards to. And there are things that I have been witness to aswell that I was shocked and disgusted by over the past couple days that I don't want to have to answer any questions about to my Mom after she reads it. Tristan and Nate know exactly what I am talking about. Basically one thing I am really struggling with more than anything else is the content of the blog. I want to be honest,and I want to tell the stories of what's going on in this transitionary period in my life,whether they are uplifting or just real and wrong as life can be. But when I was jail, I could write about my feelings and my hopes and prayers,send it out,and just know that people were reading it without ever having to actually interface with anyone who had really read it or been affected by it. Now the fact that I am running into people who know me and understand a little bit about where I am coming from from following my blog is just a whole different thing. I should have known it was going to be like this,but for whatever reason I just never imagined that it would be like this.


Like if I write about being depressed and feeling really sad and not knowing why,then I have to answer for that. Does that make sense? I have always been a private person to a degree. I pretty much always pick and choose what parts of myself I allow people around me to get to know. But while I was in jail, I was able to get out alot of myself onto paper,and share it with alot of people. And now it's just a little odd being around these people who I was sharing with because I really didn't expect people to care this much. Geez I don't know if this is making sense. I guess basically what I am trying to say is in some ways,well, alot of ways it was easier to write this blog from jail. There are still alot of things I want to write about that have to do with being in jail that I was afraid to write about while I was in jail because of what would happen to me. And there are a whole lot of things that I want to write about but probably will not ever be able to until my Mom and Dad are either dead or beyond there years of conscious understanding. HAHAHA! I hope that day never comes, but really, I don't want to see the look in my Mom's eyes after she reads about me and some friends getting invited back to couple's house the other night after hours to go swimming and play billiards and hangout only to realize once we got there that they had invited a whole bunch of other married couples and we were basically invited to a total swinger party. They seemed nice and normal enough when we met them, but once my friends and I got there we realized that it was not only a experience that not many good God fearing young menfind themselves in. But it was also a scene that we wanted absolutely no part in whatsoever.

But yeah,we left. But there is alot more to that story then the description I just wrote. But I don't want to have to face my Mom if I wrote about that. Wait...I guess I did just kinda write about that huh? DOH! Well...sorry Mom? You see that's what I am talking about! My life is not PG-13! And although I am fighting with the "life rating board" to get my life to a more suitable state,like I said,I am still in a transitionary period. Geez, why did I just write all of this? I hope nobody is really reading this. If you read all of this leave a comment if you can so I have a small idea of how many people I have answer questions to about this. I know alot of people don't do the comment thing,and there are alot of OCSD employees who only leave anonymous comments. So yeah, I am working on finding a way to share my life that doesn't make things harderon me.