Women and the other reasons I will die alone with nobody to carry on my name...

Ooooooooooooooooooooooohhh man this is going to be a wild one. Let me just first apologize this instant for the very high level of spelling errors that are going to be in this entry. I am in a very heated mood and will more likely than not pay even less attention to detail then I usually do so just bare with me here. And secondly let me just say that this will most likely be one of those things I just go head into without thinking too much about it. Then later when I read it back I am staggered by some of the information I divulged and some of the things I said in the heat of the moment and the feelings I was feeling. So just so you all know this next entry was written when Jordan probably should have just cried himself to sleep listening to oldies on the AM radio like most wednesday nights. So you very well may get a very small glimpse into just how crazy I really am. Oh well, I wont regret this till later so here it goes.

Oh and I know I haven't posted anything in over a week. I have had plenty to write about, I have just been preoccupied on different levels and also pretty depressed at times and just was not able to bring myself to write. To sum it up I caught pinkeye and missed a week of work and went crazy sitting around at home. Went out a few times and wore eye-patches and sunglasses at night. Had a horrible Valentine's day that resulted in a really good friend of mine getting poisoned basically and getting a DUI on his way to come pick me up. I also realized on Valentine's Day just how utterly lonely and pathetic I am in the relationship department and in some small way came to grips with why I will probably die alone and un-happy with the choices I have made. I still have pinkeye but am getting better. I have gone back to work and just wear sunglasses inside while working. Am still clearly very crazy and lonely but talented and genius and all that great stuff at the same time. I think that about sums it up right? I am sure there is alot more I get into but it'll have to wait. And I am vowing right here and now to start writing atleast 3 times a week from here on out. I just need you all to read it and leave comments so I have statistics to show sponsors and what not. Anyway.


So everyone has that one person in their life that does something in explainable to you when you see them. That person that will forever,no matter what happens in life, have your ugly little blackened heart in a headlock to some degree. It doesn't matter how much time passes in between your seeing them,when your around them you go stupid whether you want to or not. It could be someone that you have a crush on. It could be someone that your dating. Or it could even be someone that you were in love with at one point in your life and they are now just someone you see out here and there. Except they are never going to be "just someone" you used to know. Oh no! When you are around them you cant talk. Your palms sweat. Your knees feel weak. Your throat goes dry and start feeling dizzy. You get butterflies in your stomach and your whole being is overtaken with stupidity and brash hard exaggerated feelings that over power everything else. Everything is magnified to a surreal dreamlike state surrounding them. And no matter what you do you are stuck like that in their presence. Now I have different feelings about people like this. One the one hand I hope that nobody has to ever go through the embarrassment of what I just described. Because I left out the part where your friends and everyone else around you just stares at you like your an idiot. Which for that time you are. But I also hope that everyone has had or does currently have someone in their lives that does this to them. Because it makes you feel alive,very alive. I am not a huge fan of feelings sometimes,but it is good to be reminded that you are human.


Now I definitely have someone in my life who still does that to me. And let me tell you that it sucks. And I pretty much hate it I think,although at the same time I love it to death and wish it would never end. It's just weird like that. After all the time that has passed since this person and I were together in a relationship, I still get absolutely retarded around her and I think she knows it too. Ok I am just going to let you know that this person is In fact a girl. She is also an x-girlfriend of mine. She also happens to be the only girl I have dated who I ever really loved. The only girl I was ever able to see a real future with. The only girl that I would've had no doubt about marrying and starting a family with,the only girl that I was sure my family loved just as much as I did. The only girl I would die for, kill for,live for. So I guess you can kind of in some small way understand why she still has an effect on me somewhat. I used to tell her that "I would cross a thousand miles of broken glass on my hands and knees to get to you" and I meant it. She was my life for a longtime,even after she left me. And in some small weird way still is a part of my life. Even though I am almost certain she does not feel the same way about me in the least little bit,it's still true for me. Which is sad I know,but hey,I am just gay like that I guess.

She is the thing I loved the most. And also one of the people that I probably hurt the most out of anyone. Its always funny how that works out isn't it? But so anyway, I do still think about her, of course. But I am usually ok with that because I am able to tell myself the truth to reel myself in. I just remind myself that she doesn't think about me, she probably doesn't miss me at all, and she has already moved on,probably a whole bunch of different times and she is in fact probably this instant with someone new not thinking about me at all. And I am probably right too! Which is good! I can't stay hung up on her forever. She sure didn't. So I do alright with that train of thought no matter how depressing it is. I do fine that is...until I see her. Shit!!! Why do I have to see her?!?!? And further more why does she have to be nice to me? Why is she still the most beautiful girl I have ever seen in my life? And why do I get the creeping suspicion that she knows exactly what she does to my little peanut sized brain every time I see her and has no problem exploiting it? of course she knows! She is in fact a girl,as we established earlier,or woman rather Why does this still happen to me? Does a similiar phenomenom happen to her when she sees me? Or does she just get bummed out? Shiiiit!!! Excuse my language,but really it's absolutely ridiculous!


I go nuts! And I would be lying if I said that I don't still think about her romantically and don't somewhere deep in the back of my mind hold onto to the foolish empty impossible notion that we might someday get back together. That after all of the hundreds of thousands of guys she has dated and had sex with she finally realizes that she made a huge mistake when she left me and that she wants to be with me forever and ever and have a family and everything we are told we are supposed to want in life. And me like an idiot would of course jump right on board with that idea at once despite everything I know is true and wish wasn't. Okay I am being a little hard here. But the truth is that since we broke up,she has had a few other boyfriends,I mean hey,she obviously wanted to forget about me as fast as possible,and I don't blame her really. A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do sometimes,and she did. I even helped her out! I made it sooooo easy to forget all about me, I literally vanished completely from her life for over four months while I was in jail. During that time she had a boyfriend,broke up and found another one and broke up. Basically she is as over me as anyone can possibly be. I mean,and this really reeeeeeally killed me,but I even saw her with another guy tonight. Kissed him,smiled at him,looked happy with him. I wanted to die right then and probably would have if I didn't have to work the next day,but yeah, she is not anyone who even cares about me. She really is just someone I used to know I guess. To her.


I just want to know why I still get like that when I see her?!?!?! How can this be fair that she has no problem kissing her new guy friend or whoever he is to her right in front of me(ok it wasn't exactly right in front of me but we were in the same place,and I wasn't like hiding in a corner looking at them or anything,exactly,really,she knew I was there ok?!) and I get crippled whenever I see her. Then I also feel suicidal and angry and just want to vanish into thin air or burst into flames and jump on top of young couples and burn them too when I see her with another guy or even just enjoying life without me? And ok maybe not suicidal.ok yeah kinda. It just doesn't seem fair at all. And why was the guy she with so lame looking too? I don't know what's worse? Seeing the only girl you've ever really loved with a guy who is totally bigger and stronger and better looking than you are? Or seeing her with a guy with trashy clothes on who does not appear be anywhere near in as good of shape as you are,and who has disgusting facial hair and is clearly by the standards of any woman who is not blind nowhere near as goodlooking as you are? (No I am not bitter)Which is what happened tonight. Another thing, why does this sort of thing have to be a part of my life when she clearly never went through,and is clearly still not going through anything remotely resembling my plight? How come she just got to get over it so quick like nothing? Why am I the only one who walked away from this thing all screwed? Surely she isn't just doing a great job of hiding it right?


Now I left for over four months. Why don't I get that?
And honestly I am saying this in no way meaning any type of harm or ill will towards anyone at all. And I do not want this to be perceived as a threat or anythinglike that because this is just me talking. Why can't it just be like,when two people break up,one of them dies,or blows up and disapears or something? This whole thing would be alot easier I am sure if I never ever had to see her again. If she just died in a fiery car crash on video,not only would I never have to worry about running into her anywhere and having all those feelings rush back,but it would also make a really good sympathy story to tell new chicks! "Yeah I just don't know if I can ever feel for anyone again. You see the only girl I have ever loved died in horribly fiery car crash...here look at this video". I wonder if chicks would dig that?


I don't know everyone. A terribly big part of me feels stupid and lame for still having these feelings even after everything,but I can't help it because another part of me feels like the only reason I still have these feelings is because it is something real that is meant to be and it's just a matter of time before she feels the same way too and I shouldn't let go for that very reason. It'sjust all so ridiculous. And I STILL feel like crap,even though seeing her made me feel the most alive I have felt in some time. Seeing her with that lame dude later in the night made me feel more dead inside then I do most days at any given time. Geez I don't know. I hate this crap.But I hope hse is ok too. I am done writing abou this tonight. Because I have already said way too much that I am going to regret later on. Man I am not looking forward to re-reading this one later.