Attempts to pave the pathes of the information roads(Sorry)

Well today is Super Bowl Sunday. And I just arrived back at my parents house in Yorba Linda after briefly attending a gathering with some family friends. Which was great because I was able to see and chat with some folks who I hadn't talked to since before I went to jail and others I hadn't seen since they had come and visited me there at the farm. Overall it was good to feel just how loved and cared about I truly am by those I have had the pleasure of being able to grow up around. And it was more apparent than ever just how truly blessed I am. I have been lucky enough to grow up in a area of priveledge and opportunity and although my family may not have been the most wealthiest of all at times I was raised with an almost over-abundance of love and caring not only from my immediate blood,but from many others who have taken an active interest and participation in my up bringing. So to any and all of those people who I speak of,there are far too many to name, and youall know who you are, and I thank you.

I was out with a friend last night in the Fullerton area when I had the first experience with being "recognized" for my blog. Which was pretty cool I must say. He was a guy who had apparently spent time at the Musick facility while I was there and knew who I was and said that he had heard about the blog from another inmate and had been following it after his release. He knew about me getting transferred to the IRC and had questions and comments and was very pleasant. He said "Yeah man, the NightHawk flies again!" very loudly and enthuiastically so that just about everyone around us looked over curiously to see what he was talking about. It was definitely a very nice experience and hopefully it happens more and more. My ego would not mind that at all.

But aside from that I am facing several dilemas. And all of them are rather troubling to me on different levels and the nature of them is such where there is no easy answer to any of them. You see, for the longest time while I was writing this blog in jail, it was being edited for content and language for various reasons. My parents, Grandparents, people from my parents church, and law enforcment were reading the blog and so it was somewhat altered as I understand to possibly just make it a little bit more PG-13 as opposed to what the real experience was like. So now, I feel as though there are certain experiences in my life today that would not only shock and offend some readers and almost definitely shed a negative light onto my character and spirit, but could also very well be a written record of pranks and jokes I have played on strangers that had no idea who perpatrated the acts. Thus incriminating me.

There are things, that are not even necessarily evil and wicked,but more of just mischievious and naughty if you will,that have happened even since the last time that I posted a blog entry,that I am so very reluctant to post any type of entry in regards to. And there are things that I have been witness to aswell that I was shocked and disgusted by over the past couple days that I don't want to have to answer any questions about to my Mom after she reads it. Tristan and Nate know exactly what I am talking about. Basically one thing I am really struggling with more than anything else is the content of the blog. I want to be honest,and I want to tell the stories of what's going on in this transitionary period in my life,whether they are uplifting or just real and wrong as life can be. But when I was jail, I could write about my feelings and my hopes and prayers,send it out,and just know that people were reading it without ever having to actually interface with anyone who had really read it or been affected by it. Now the fact that I am running into people who know me and understand a little bit about where I am coming from from following my blog is just a whole different thing. I should have known it was going to be like this,but for whatever reason I just never imagined that it would be like this.


Like if I write about being depressed and feeling really sad and not knowing why,then I have to answer for that. Does that make sense? I have always been a private person to a degree. I pretty much always pick and choose what parts of myself I allow people around me to get to know. But while I was in jail, I was able to get out alot of myself onto paper,and share it with alot of people. And now it's just a little odd being around these people who I was sharing with because I really didn't expect people to care this much. Geez I don't know if this is making sense. I guess basically what I am trying to say is in some ways,well, alot of ways it was easier to write this blog from jail. There are still alot of things I want to write about that have to do with being in jail that I was afraid to write about while I was in jail because of what would happen to me. And there are a whole lot of things that I want to write about but probably will not ever be able to until my Mom and Dad are either dead or beyond there years of conscious understanding. HAHAHA! I hope that day never comes, but really, I don't want to see the look in my Mom's eyes after she reads about me and some friends getting invited back to couple's house the other night after hours to go swimming and play billiards and hangout only to realize once we got there that they had invited a whole bunch of other married couples and we were basically invited to a total swinger party. They seemed nice and normal enough when we met them, but once my friends and I got there we realized that it was not only a experience that not many good God fearing young menfind themselves in. But it was also a scene that we wanted absolutely no part in whatsoever.

But yeah,we left. But there is alot more to that story then the description I just wrote. But I don't want to have to face my Mom if I wrote about that. Wait...I guess I did just kinda write about that huh? DOH! Well...sorry Mom? You see that's what I am talking about! My life is not PG-13! And although I am fighting with the "life rating board" to get my life to a more suitable state,like I said,I am still in a transitionary period. Geez, why did I just write all of this? I hope nobody is really reading this. If you read all of this leave a comment if you can so I have a small idea of how many people I have answer questions to about this. I know alot of people don't do the comment thing,and there are alot of OCSD employees who only leave anonymous comments. So yeah, I am working on finding a way to share my life that doesn't make things harderon me.