Walking Around in Public

So today I had a nice long full day of outings out into the real world! As I mentioned in an earlier entry I have impacted wisdom teeth that I am having removed for free while I am here. To do so requires me to be taken to the Western Medical Center in either Santa Ana or Anaheim to see an oral surgeon.

So today I was called to the west compound and loaded on a bus with people going to court and taken to the Main Jail in Santa Ana where I waited to be taken to Western Medical Center in Santa Ana.

Well, apparently the whole world was on emergency alert due to an earthquake or something, so I was taken over there in handcuffs and leg shackles around 11 a.m. and turned away. I was told to come back after 1 p.m. after the emergency drill. So back to the main jail to wait for a few more hours.

Then a deputy tells me I am not even having the procedure done today, just having x-rays taken so that they can set an appointment to have them taken out. So around 1:20 p.m. the handcuffs and leg shackles go back on and I am taken back over to the hospital to get my x-rays. I don't know if you've ever been out somewhere, and seen an inmate all restrained being escorted by a deputy in a public place, but that was me. Shuffling around in leg shackles and full jail issue while mothers pull their children in closer to them as you pass by...not as fun as you might think. I just kept my head up and smiled politely at anyone who looked at me. And I hoped and prayed that I wouldn't run into anyone I knew.

But then after the x-rays were successfully taken I was returned to main jail where I waited until I could take a bus back to the farm with other inmates coming back from court. I made it back in time for chow, returned to the tent before the work crews did and got a shower in and shaved before the bathroom filled up. Not a bad day at all I must say. I got out of work for a day, and I left the jails twice and walked around in public with other people. Twice.

And even though I didn't get the procedure done today, it's all good because it means I get to do it all again at a later date. So yeah, right on!

In It, Not Of It

I thought that by taking a position of authority here in this tent that I might be able to change something about the way things are run. And I have on some fronts. But the way things are in jail are going to change me if I'm not careful, before I can successfully change Yellow tent completely. I can be proud of the change I have been able to make here, but some things here are the way they are forever. People will continue to get beat up in the showers, for no other reason than to "keep peace" with everyone in the tent. I have seen two kids no older than my littlest brother get sent to the shower under my watch as Right Hand. And while in jail it's "the right thing to do," I will never be OK with it. It's just not in my nature.

Jail is bloodthirsty. And it wants to influence you to be the same way. Hungry for violence. Looking for reasons to inflict pain to satisfy some primal instinctual urge to hurt others. I want no part of it, but am forced to live in it. But I am in it, not of it, and I cannot let it change me. I WILL NOT let it change me.

"Jail Proof"

November 11, 2008


It's days like this that make me wish I was a turtle with a "jail proof" shell I could close myself inside of:
-and drown out all the noise and all politics of this place...
-drown out all the people in here...
-drown out the ignorance...
-drown out the geniuses who know everything there is to know and yet have somehow manged to land themselves in jail...again.
(If the sarcasm of that statement may not have translated fully, imagine David Spade above saying it.)

I am having a hard time accepting that I have without a doubt spent almost two months of my life here that I will never get back. And once I have reached that two month halfway mark, I am only promised two more months that I will have to spend here. I am facing a possible race riot here that I fully oppose, but I am one of the few who is actually level-headed enough to realize it doesn't ever have to come to that. And all of you reading can believe that I will do everything in my power to prevent it from "popping off." There is nothing here important enough to get that upset about, and certainly nothing important enough to risk having to spend anymore time here than is necessary in jail. Nothing.

On top of that I am breaking out with blemishes all over my face again. I'm not sure if it's stress related or because of the food or sheets or what, but I don't like it, I know that much. Fortunately, there aren't any girls that I have to look good for or anything, but it is still kind of a bummer with visits and everything looking like a 14-year-old kid who is getting gray hairs and not enough sleep.

And that's another thing. I am 24-years-old, and although I am sure I have definitely earned them, gray hairs are another thing I didn't really want to pick up in jail. But oh well. I have become somewhat dependent on coffee here, and haven't really been too keen on getting out of bed too much since I have not had it. You see, because of Veterans Day the commissary we should have gotten today won't get here until Thursday. So I have been without coffee since Monday morning. My friend Will P got rolled out of our tent tonight, meaning I am basically alone here as far as the friend group I had when I first got here.

I was offered, I guess, a position with the horse orderlies today that I had absolutely zero interest in taking. Not a fan of working seven days a week starting at 6:30 a.m. and getting to smell horse and chicken crap all day. Horses? I mean, I like horses and all, but not nearly enough to ever work directly with them, ya know?

Whatever...there is a Lakers game on and you would think that yellow tent is sitting court side right next to Jack Nicholson with how loud everyone is right now. Please keep praying for me and writing me and coming to visit. It's really the only thing that is keeping me going at this point. I am still praying for all of you out there. And I do miss you all and love you very much. We are making it through this together. Thanks to everyone who has written and come to visit so far, and I encourage anyone else who is interested in coming to visit to coordinate with my Mom to set up the best time to come.

And will someone tell my friend Jay and David that I have already been here almost two months and that they should come visit or write or something! Same with Kaylin! I am not going anywhere doll face, you're going to have to come here!

By the time you read this I will have either successfully defused a hostile situation between races, or there was a racially heated fight in yellow tent. Either way I wish I was home.

Love you all.

Bye

What I hear

Get in line for count. No talking in line. Don't slam the door.
Two at a time in the bathroom. You've broken off extra duty.
Shoot it. Radio!
Quiet on line! Full jail issue in the dayroom.
Rack it up quietly. Everyone on their own racks.
Dayrooms are open. Dayrooms are closed.
Get ready for chow. Yellow tent line up for chow.
Line up at the watch for Spanish Protestant services.
Get in line for count!! Quiet on line!!!
Compound is open for phone use only. Compound is closed.
Break it down to your whites for count.

Homies........can I get a "Southside"? Southside!!!
Woodpile......can I get a "Woodnite"? Woodnite!!!
Buenas Noches Paisanos........Buenas Noches!!!
Brothas and Asians.....Can I get a "One Love"? One Love!!! (two swoops)
God Bless you and your families and loved ones Yellow Tent!
God Bless you Mousey!
Please respect the English prayer! Please respect the Spanish prayer!
Gold tent.....can Mokoa get a "Jesus Lives"? Jesus Lives!!!
Goodnight Yellow tent.

Another day down.

Fan Mail and Visits-Oh yeah!

Well, I didn't do a blog entry for yesterday because I literally spent the majority of the day in bed. I got out for the required counts and to briefly make a phone call home. But because of my job in the kitchen at night, I had to catch up on my sleep. At mail call though, I received a letter from a reader of my blog named Brennan, who is a friend of my old roommate Matthias. It was nice to hear from someone who really only knows me from reading my blog. It was kind of like getting fan mail! Thanks, Brennan! Your letter back is on its way. I would love for anyone else who reads my blog and wants to respond to do the same.

Today was a lot like yesterday. Sleeping to catch up from working nights, and then I only got up for the required counts and for a very pleasant visit with some close family friends. Gary and Greg came right after I ate lunch. And let me take this chance to apologize now because I hadn't gone to sleep yet and my bunkmate told me I looked pretty bad when I got back to the tent. So, sorry I didn't get a chance to spruce up before your visit. They aren't huge on vanity here! LOL But the visit really lifted my spirits and will leave a lasting impression on me for the genuine concern and kindness shown to me. Thank you Gary and Greg. You guys coming to see me really means a lot, and you are more than welcome to come back again, cause I'm not going anywhere.

Then I had to come back to my tent which made me want to go home more than ever. Rough-housing, loudness, disrespect, everytime I would wake up, I wanted to go back to sleep even more, just to not be here. Will is the last of the people whose company I really enjoy. Patrick left a night or so ago, and I haven't stoppped missing him. I worked with him, hung out with him. In the past two weeks Ryan, Alfonzo, and now Patrick have all left Will and I in this zoo. Oh well, that's jail, right?

One really cool thing that happened over the weekend was good food. Will works in the staff kitchen and has access to some good food, and since I work in the scullery in the kitchen, that means that I get some of that food too. This last weekend I ate a cheeseburger! In jail, I ate a cheeseburger! And on Saturday night/morning I had a Subway sandwich. That's right, and I understand that it may not seem like a big deal to all of you who can drive down the street and get one. But here, it is un-heard of. I ate Subway in jail!

On top of that, the most fun of the weekend was a couple of practical jokes at work. A young man with the nickname of Shaggy from the Fullerton gang "Tokers Town" drank beef blood thinking it was cranberry juice. And another guy walked around with a "Kick me" sign on his back for nearly an hour, just getting kicked right and left, clueless. I don't know if that sounds fun to anybody else.
Well, I am approaching the halfway mark everyone. Please keep me in your prayers, and keep those letters and visits coming. Much love.

Wild and Vivid Dreams

Today was such a rough day. Work went on and on forever! On top of that I am just so tired! But I have to stay thankful and keep praying because God has and always will see me through hardships whether or not I am able to realize it at the time. If you get a chance, check out a proverb someone brought to my attention today that pertains to my current situation. It's Proverbs 3:11 in the Bible.

So many of the people I get along with are getting out. One tonight and another tomorrow. But one good thing was I got some letters!
Tonight I got one from my longtime friend Natalie, who I have known over a decade and love dearly. I hadn't spoken to her since earlier this year, so it was a very pleasant surprise and it helped to melt away some of the tough day before bedtime. Thanks Nat! But yeah, today is a perfect example of why people like myself should not go to jail.

One weird thing I should mention is that I am having dreams every night, very vivid dreams that I remember for days afterwards. A few days back I had a dream that I saw Natalie at a TGIFridays restaurant and I ended up going over and joining her and her friends for dinner. And then I got a letter from her just a few days later. Weird, right? Ever since I have been here I have been dreaming every night and in color. I haven't ever before in my life had this many wild and weird, vivid dreams that I can remember the next day in great detail. So yeah. I've got to get to sleep. Goodnight.

New nickname and notoriety

Today was not too bad of a day overall, except I missed my buddy Ryan about as much as I thought I would if not more. But that should get better in time.
Hey, I hear we have a new president elect and he is black! Which is rad! I really hope America is as ready as we think we are for that.

There is one thing that has been going on with me here that I have failed to mention for one reason or another in earlier entries. And that is the nickname I have acquired here. Which is.....(drumroll) "Night Hawk!" Awesome, right? I know, I know, that really is what I am called here, for real. Let me tell you a little bit of the story behind it. You see, those of you who have known me previous to my incarceration know that I usually wear my hair in a unique, long-ish fashion. I do this for a number of reasons including that I like to look fashionable and unique. Simple enough. Also, I have big ears. Always have. So I wear my hair cut in a manner that hides the fact that I have big ears. Well, in jail they shave your head right off the bat, which in my case makes it impossible to hide the size of my ears.

So for the first week or two my nickname was "Sonar" or "Big Ears". I gave a monologue to a few key individuals about how un-clever it is to base one's nickname upon a physical attribute, and that if it were my choice my nickname would be "Nitro" or "Nighthawk" or something cool like that. Well, they laughed. Which is always my goal ultimately. But then they started calling me Nighthawk. And now almost the whole facility calls me Nighthawk. People from other tents and other compounds call me Nighthawk, and they have come up with handsigns, a hawk sound, and even artwork for me. Whenever I go to chow, all I hear coming from everyone, black, asian, spanish, white, is "Yo, Nighthawk!" And then the hand sign (which is both hands hooked together at the thumbs with fingers pointing out like wings).

So I have literally gained some small celebrity status here in jail. I am a V.I.P. Very Important Prisoner! Which I guess is better than being hated. But it really doesn't matter anywhere else but here. Being the coolest guy in jail is like being the smartest kid with Down's Syndrome in my opinion. I have always had the ability to win over a crowd, and I have actually managed to do it with as tough a crowd as a jail! But yeah, the Nighthawk owns the night!

November 3rd -New Job

Well, today was my first day as the right hand for the woods and I must say it went pretty well in my opinion. Quiet time was actually very quiet, the chores got done without a whole bunch of complaining and arguing. Everyone got on line when they were supposed to and stayed reasonably quiet too. No fights, no trucks, plenty of day room time. Not bad at all. As the day wore on and more people started trickling in from work it started getting a little looser, but you work with what you've got right? The only real problem we had was the door on our tent, which is broken. It will slam if you don't catch it, and there are bunks with people sleeping in them right next to the broken door. So we have a rule about not slamming the door, which is hard for the new people to remember.

One crummy thing about today is that it is Ryan R.'s last day here. Over the time I have been here Ryan and I have connected like best friends. He's like my partner here at the farm. We work out together, hang out together, and I really don't know how tomorrow is going to be without him here. I feel stoked that my good buddy gets to go home and be with his family and all but I also selfishly wish he wasn't going home. I am just doing everything I can to stay positive. Within the next week the rest of the people I spend time with here will be going home too. It isn't easy being the guy that has to be here till next year.

On a more positive note, everyone in the tent is saying that the devotional and "mini-sermon" that I do each night has been getting progressively better over the week or so since I have been doing it. Which makes me feel good of course. As long as it glorifies God and reaches somebody, anybody in our tent, then I am doing something right, and hopefully pleasing to God as well.

I just finished reading "Silence of the Lambs" and am starting "The Santaroga Barrier" by Frank Herbert. Some other inmates have said it is a pretty good Sci-fi book.

I still encourage anyone who reads my blog to write to me if you get the chance. Thanks to everyone who has already written. To those who haven't, I guess don't sweat it. It won't change the way I care about you, or the way I will be there for you if you are ever in a situation similar to mine where you need the support of your friends. Please write back and send pictures if you can. And to my buddy Ryan, if you end up reading this, know I love you and am praying for you, and hope more than anything that you are doing great out there. I will see ya'll as soon as I can! That's all for now.

Halloween in Jail

Well today is Halloween and the first of the holidays that I will be spending in jail. And in my line of work, "the business of smiles", I am personally taking it upon myself to raise morale and spirits in the yellow tent with the little resources that I have. So I jimmy-rigged a costume with some of the odds and ends I picked up at the kitchen and around the tent. People here responded well, and had a good laugh.

We got a whole bunch of new people in here today, some of them with really bad attitudes, others are just dumb. but I am welcoming as many people with as much time as possible to yellow tent because there will be a lot more coming soon after the other holidays. And if this facility and the others are at full capacity towards the middle of December there is always a possibility that they may give holiday kicks to those inmates with less than 30 days left on their sentences. Which around the middle of December would be me!
I am trying not to get my hopes up too much. I know if it is God's will for me to receive that blessing then I will. All I can really do is pray about it.

Hey, one more thing, everyone. I am able to receive books here if they are sent from a publisher or like Amazon.com or Borders.com. I regretfully inform you that there really isn't much stimulating literature in yellow tent that I haven't already read. Since I have been here I have read 6 books, and 3 of them were good. So if you want to send me a book to help pass the time, please do! I would love some Hemingway, or biographies about people like John Lennon or Johnny Depp. I am trying to stay as busy as possible to pass the time, and reading really helps. I will appreciate anything. My address and booking number are on this blog on the right and you can have books sent there. Also please write to me in here if you get the time. I love nothing more than getting letters and then writing people back. So thank you all, and don't stop praying for me!

The "right hand" of God

October 28, 2008

So my message during last night's prayer time was well received and more importantly it made me feel better about myself and what I am trying to do with myself here. It helped me realize that I don't have to completely change from the person I like being, to love and serve God.

Which makes me feel good. I think that can be a good thing.

Kevin the wood rep got CWP (Community Work Project) today and so the right hand, Rich, became the rep and now I am the right hand! Which is cool because instead of people getting beat up and stuff I am able to take a more active role in making sure problems are solved in a more peaceful manner.

Which makes me feel good.

When I first got to yellow tent it was a total unbearable zoo (as you can tell from earlier blogs.) But now it is slowly becoming a more tolerable place to do time at. It's still jail no matter what, and I would rather be at home in the worst condition than on top of the world here. But all I can really do is stay strong and work with what God sees fit to test me with. That's all for now. God bless.

October 27, 2008

Well today is another day closer to home. I have now been here six weeks and counting. I have about 11 weeks more to go. Or who knows, maybe less. At this point I have given up praying for a "holiday kick" or to be released early. I am now praying for God's will for me to be exactly what I need, and if that coincides with what I want then rock on.

I want to change certain aspects about myself while I am here, spiritually, physically, and otherwise. It has just always been a hard thing for me to grapple with because of my family background, which you would think would make it easier, but it doesn't. But I am actively trying to make an effort to swear less. Which is a lot let me tell you. The environment I am in is not an easy place to try and do that in. The language here is such that swearing is like breathing. But I want to shine in different ways than I do currently. Not to sound conceited or anything, but I know that I am lucky to be gifted in certain areas. I am able to win over a crowd very easily with my humor, and am able to diffuse situations before they get out of hand. Earlier today, I am proud to say I singlehandedly saved the entire tent from a race war that started over the use of a lighter! But these gifts I have been given can just as easily be misused or taken for granted. And I already know where that takes me. I am trying to do better.

Starting tonight, I am going to be reading The Daily Bread at prayer time that we have in our tent, and then I am going to be giving my own little take on it. I still try and pray as often as I think of it. I am still struggling with the whole idea of changing things about myself. At my age, the things I like about myself and the things I should change and the things that will benefit me are all kinda blurred in confusion that I know only God can clear up. I don't know. Just keep praying for me.

Can I get a GA-LOW-REE?

Well, another week down in yellow tent. I have been sick as hell but I still have to work in the kitchen this weekend, so I don't really feel any better.
My parents and my little brother Jared came to visit me, which was great. Visits make everything so much better. I also finally got some letters this week from some of my really good friends and from family! It makes such a difference here. Something as simple as a page saying what you've been up to out there. It doesn't take a lot, and more than anything it shows me that you care enough to take ten minutes out of your day to write me. And it gives me something to do here, passing the time writing you back.
But I gotta handle some business with some friends now. Matthias, thanks for the comment on my blog, and you too Krystal! And to a couple of my people who have been released from here who said they would check out my blog, I just wanted to give a few of you a shout-out.To my bunky who got released, I seriously miss you already, Antonio, and I hope to see you next year. To Marcos G. holla atcha boy with that comment, and start growing that hair back, son. Your ears are too big for short hair just like mine are. Jeff, Jeffy-Poo, you're a cool cat and I wish the best of luck, homes. To Patrick H. what's up wood? Thank you for being as cool as you are, and for writing me! You're genuine.
And to Alfonzo. First of all, what black guy is named Alfonzo? Any why are you like the darkest black guy ever? You're so black, you're almost purple.LOL But you are wild and I love you man. Chocolate Teddy Graham. Can I get a GLORY? I said, I said, brothas and sistahs, can I get a Ga-low-uh-reee??!!
Seriously, a special thank you to everyone who takes the time to read this blog, and thank you to everyone who has written me letters. If you don't fall into either one of those categories, then get on it and write me! I can't hate you if you don't, but it'll be harder to love you if you don't too, just so you know. Stay tuned. More soon. Love you one and all.
Woodnite.

Get me out of this truckstop

I am not, under any circumstances, going to be applying for the position of House Mouse in yellow tent. Leon, our Mouse was rolled out to Red Tent today and his assistant Mouse Larry has assumed control of the position. That means they will need an assistant Mouse to take Larry's place and a lot of people are looking to me like I am that guy. I am not that guy! Not in this tent anyway. I could do a great job as Mouse, but yellow tent (as I have said before and probably will say again) is a total and complete ZOO. Leon did the best he could, but the rules are changing here now apparently.

The thought of signing on as assistant Mouse to yellow tent would be like signing on as the co-captain of a sinking ship, or volunteering to step up as co-pilot on a plane that is going down in flames. There is a widely popular term in jail that refers to an individual who is screwing up or is dumb as hell, and just an all around jerk, and that term is "truck". If someone is "trucking it" then they are just not running with the program. When a great guy and solid inmate gave his speech before being released tonight, he called it the way I also see it. He said that yellow tent is basically a truck stop. For every cool, program following inmate there are several "trucks" that make this place what it is-a zoo. I have been trying like hell to get off of this rock.

So thanks a bundle for the job offer and everything, but I am going to have to graciously decline. I have been here a month too long and I plan on taking the first taxi out of this truck stop. Pray that I can get transferred over to Delta barracks or red tent. And will someone, anyone, please write me a freaking letter already?