October 27, 2008

Well today is another day closer to home. I have now been here six weeks and counting. I have about 11 weeks more to go. Or who knows, maybe less. At this point I have given up praying for a "holiday kick" or to be released early. I am now praying for God's will for me to be exactly what I need, and if that coincides with what I want then rock on.

I want to change certain aspects about myself while I am here, spiritually, physically, and otherwise. It has just always been a hard thing for me to grapple with because of my family background, which you would think would make it easier, but it doesn't. But I am actively trying to make an effort to swear less. Which is a lot let me tell you. The environment I am in is not an easy place to try and do that in. The language here is such that swearing is like breathing. But I want to shine in different ways than I do currently. Not to sound conceited or anything, but I know that I am lucky to be gifted in certain areas. I am able to win over a crowd very easily with my humor, and am able to diffuse situations before they get out of hand. Earlier today, I am proud to say I singlehandedly saved the entire tent from a race war that started over the use of a lighter! But these gifts I have been given can just as easily be misused or taken for granted. And I already know where that takes me. I am trying to do better.

Starting tonight, I am going to be reading The Daily Bread at prayer time that we have in our tent, and then I am going to be giving my own little take on it. I still try and pray as often as I think of it. I am still struggling with the whole idea of changing things about myself. At my age, the things I like about myself and the things I should change and the things that will benefit me are all kinda blurred in confusion that I know only God can clear up. I don't know. Just keep praying for me.