Excuse me Ms. but can you please not lick my face?

Well so much has happened over the past few days that I know that I am not going to be able to fit it all into this blog. So I am not even going to try. What I am instead going to do is tell a story of events that took place on Monday night. Now just so you know right now, I am going to change the names of a few people just so as to not embarrass them or anything. If they read this there is no doubt that they are going to be very very mad at me regardless of whether I include their real name or not. So I don't want to make things worse. Aside from the one name I am going to change all the events described really happened and in the order they are described to the best of my recollection.


So my friend Cody,who I went to High School with all those years and years ago is in a band. It's a rather good band to. They are called "The Dahmer Party" and have a good sound I must say. And I am not just saying that because the lead singer has been a friend of mine since freshmen year either,they really are good. Anyway they were doing a show on monday night at The Slidebar which is in the downtown Fullerton area. Now normally I am not a huge fan of The Slidebar. It's usually way over crowded and hard to maneuver through,they is often a over abundance of big lame bro type guys with stars tattooed all over them wearing Famous Stars and Straps or SRH shirts and hats and socks and whatever else they can buy that will match their pathetic follower persona. I also don't go there too much because the patio area is really the best and only place to hangout there, and it seems like every couple feet they have these huge lamp post heater type things that burn hot like the fires of Hades. Like they would literally burn a wig right off someone's head if they were tall enough. I like hanging out but not at the price of having my face melted in a public place. But we wanted to go to support The Dahmer Party so Slidebar it was to be.


Now my usual company for evenings out is my buddy Tristan and Nate. Tonight would be no different except that for whatever reason none of us had cars to drive that night. I haven't had my own car since being back from jail,and Tristan totaled his car a few weeks ago on Valentine's day coming to pick me up to go to a party,and Nate's truck was having work done to it. So we pooled our collective efforts to try and find a ride. But to no avail. I wanted to get a ride from a gal friend of mine but she was already there. Nothing else was working. Here's where we dip back for a little back story on a key character in tonight's story. We will call her "Gina" for lack of a better name that wouldn't give away her true identity. Now Gina is a girl that I had met a few weeks back and had developed a sort of friendship with. She was good friends with Nate's ex girlfriend of a number of years and that's how I met her. It turned out through talking that we knew alot of the same people and had alot of things in common. Except for one thing. Now while she is a nice girl and I enjoy hanging out with her form time to time,friendship is pretty much where my interest ends with her. She has a son,she drinks alot,smokes too much, and is kind of on the "healthy side" of body types to put it gently that she is kinda out of shape. Well I guess she is in shape,but that shape is just kinda round. I'll stop now.

Now I can kinda tell having seen it before,when a girl is into you that you have no interest in other than friendship,the signs they put out there. And I don't know how to politely let them know that I am not about it without hurting anyone's feelings. And I also don't really know how to just hangout with someone like that without I guess giving them the impression that there could be something more? Does that make sense? Well anyway, she had been texting me all day wanting to hangout. We needed a ride to downtown,and she actually is pretty fun. So I cleared it with my counterparts and set it up to where she would come and pick me up,then we would go get Tristan and then Nate. We were on our way! We got to the Slidebar,and Tristan didn't have is ID with him. No Tristan and I(not to sound as if I am bragging or anything,just simply stating)know just about every door person,security guard,or bouncer in downtown fullerton. Not because we are just so cool or anything,but because we just do I guess. Well it would just so happen that on this very night is when the only two new bouncers at Slidebar who don't know Tristan are working. So what are we going to do? The way Slidebar is now is they had an arcade,that they cleared out to put a little stage in for bands,it has a door going out to the street on Commonwealth where the bands can load up equipment and what not. So we walked Tristan around to the front and snuck him in there.


The show was great. The Dahmer Party do this really cool thing where they have a projection screen behind them playing different crazy scenes form old black and white silent movies and like 1920's cartoons and stuff. It was neat. The music was good too. So we all went ot Bourban Street afterwards and did karaoke for a bit. It was Gina, Tristan, Nate and me. And Gina was,like everytime I have hung out with her,drinking heavily,and getting pretty drunk. We then went to The Back Alley and danced stupidly in the mostly empty place. There wasn't alot of people there,so everyone there just kind of crowded around me and Tristan and my friend Mike who goes by the nickname "Pickle" as we traded off doing ridiculous dance moves in a sort of "dance off. Me and my friends Brodi and Johnny B. Good(yes that's his real name,his parents had a sense of humor)and Tristan went next door to ENVY and danced liked flamboyant homosexuals with eachother,purely making fun,being that mondays at ENVY are "Gay Night" and there were no legitimate gay people in there at the time. We really had a good night. It was lots of fun,and Tristan and Nate seemed to like hanging out with Gina as much as she did with them. But it was now time to head back and Gina was way too drunk to drive so I took the wheel and dropped Tristan and Nate off at Nate's house,then drove back to my house. Now even though I have truthfully done it a million times that I should have gotten caught for,I am in no way an advocate for drunk driving. It's dangerous,it's stupid,and more than anything it's expensive and can get you put in jail. But once we got to my house,we had the problem of how Gina was going to get home. There was no way I was going to let her hangout at my place,so I decided I would follow her back to where she lives in one of the cars at my house.


So now this is where things get gnarly. and I am just going to warn you that things get pretty gross right here. She safely made it back to her house. And I am turning around in the coulda sack to leave and I stopped in front of her house to just say bye. She comes running up to the driver's side and opens my door to thank me and give me a hug,so I thought. Now remember she is pretty drunk. But Gina opens the door and just attacks my face like an animal. I am shocked and appalled at what's going on! I was under attack! She was drunkenly trying to kiss me! Basically sexual assault with me stuck in a car. I couldn't move my body at all to get away,only my head and neck and even that was barely working. I wanted to scream! But no sound came out. She smelled so strongly of alcohol I wanted to puke. And the worst part of it was that SHE WAS LICKING MY FACE! Like worse than a dog. Why?! Why would anyone do that?! I couldn't believe what was happening. What did I do to deserve this? I didn't think that I did anything to give anyone the impression that it would ever in any capacity be alright to lick my frickin' face,come on! After a little bit of this awkward face licking attack I gained my composure somewhat and kind of pushed her face away from mine. Still shocked and totally grossed out I just kind of mumbled a farewell and drove off.


I was seriously going to puke. I could not believe what had just happened. I felt violated,and my face was wet and smelled like alcohol saliva. I was choking back vomit as I drove. I had to tell someone quick to take my mind off it. So I look in my inbox of text messages to reply to a text from a friend of mine. I don't have the text I sent anymore,but it was something to the affect of" Oh my God (person's name)I am seriously going to puke right now! I need to wash my face so bad. The most disgusting thing ever just happened. I really think I am going to puke" or something like that. But then I get a text a few moments later from Gina,and she was very angry saying stuff like"Go screw yourself" "have a nice life you jerk" and various other mean things. Then she texts me "Did you throw up yet?" Wait! I didn't send that ext to my other friend at all did I?! I frantically access my sent messages, and find that I accidentally sent that message about throwing up to Gina, and not my friend. OOOOOOOOOOUUUCCCHHH!!! What an idiot! How does that happen? Who does that? Well I guess I do. Now can you imagine,your a drunk girl and you just tried to kiss and lick the face of a guy you kinda have a thing for,he leaves,and then a few minutes later you get a text from this guy,but it's addressed to somebody else,and he's saying he is going to throw up because of what you just did. I felt sooooo bad for my mistake. I mean,even though I was the one who got assaulted and slobbered on,I still felt bad.

Basically I was able to smooth things out and we are still friends. I explained to her in a nice way that I am just not into her like that. And that it wasn't exactly her that grossed me out so much(small lie)but just the fact that there was so much human saliva on my face period. You see, I am just not a fan of being licked at all. Not really high on my list of things I dig. I don't like dogs to do it, and their mouths are supposed to be like a million times cleaner than humans. So why I would ever want a human to do it, I don't know. It's not even that Gina isn't very attractive that causes such an aversion for me to being licked. If it was a totally hot supermodel I was hanging out with,and she started drunkenly licking my face,I would feel just as grossed out. But now Gina and I have an understanding about our friendship(that is unless she ever reads this)and with a little luck I will never ever be licked on the face or kiss attacked by her or anyone else in the rest of my life. I have had girls in the past get the wrong idea and try and kiss me, and it never really gets easier to deal with. Somebody always ends up feeling sore after the conversation to set things straight is had,and it's not always as easy as it would seem to be. But luckily that is the only time a girl has ever tried licking my face like I was cherry flavored or something. I don't know, what are you supposed to say to someone in that situation? Excuse me Ms. but can you please not lick my face?