Are We There Yet?

Written on December 11, 2008

Can this be true? And should I even dare to let my mind swim into the dangerous waters that this notion occupies? I need to keep my head screwed tightly onto my shoulders to guide me through the immediate obstacles that are still very real and have great potential to jealously strike back if I pay them less attention than the daydreams that more and more entice my mind's presence.

Everything about this place is real and I am reminded of that fact constantly. It's morbid, dirty, bloodthirsty, sometimes hopeless. Overall detestable. Why wouldn't my mind want to drift dreamily so deep into the constant conjuring of what my very near future can and will hold? Drift so deep that I can almost feel hot wind hitting my face, with the music just loud enough, in the passenger seat next to my little brother, stomach full, clothes tight, feet airy, sunglasses on, nowhere to be but where I want to be. I can stay in that daydream forever.

Which is only about as long I get between breaths here. Each day is forever. Each hour is forever. Each minute is a minute but we would never know because we don't have any clocks. I can't let myself think about it too much. I can do the impossible if I think about it too much. I can make forever longer than it already is.

I can't cry...not for fear that someone will see me, but because I am almost sure this place has temporarily robbed me of my ability to do so.

Do I dare say it? I have said it plenty before but now it almost seems more powerful. Because I am approaching the time where there will be more reality attached to it. It's been real all along. Just as real as this, the worst dream I ever been able to not wake up from.

But the sun is rising in another part of the world as I write this.
Soon it's hot golden, orange, and fiery red rays will warm, burn, and scorch
the old and cracked, spit soaked concrete
that paves the streets in my city.

I am going to say it. One more time but not by any means the last time. I won't say it too loud, there's power in it. And I can't let it charge up too much just yet. But I am going to say it.

For myself
For my family
For my roommates
For my friends
For my God and for my future:

"I want to come home. And after not too long, what I want, will be what I get. I almost have a month left!"