This Is Not A Life

(Written on December 8, 2008)

Bye-bye Little Maco. Goodbye Muerta. I hope nothing prevented you guys from making it home. I also hope you thoroughly enjoy the holidays with your families and loved ones. It was great getting to know you guys over these past couple months.

There has been so much going on here lately. People leaving. The weather changing. My depression is getting thick enough to cut with a plastic spoon. I want out of here so bad. And even though I am getting closer and closer, I am positive I am not going to be getting out of here as easily as I had hoped. It is so important to have God right now. I haven't been able to contact my family for the past couple days. I got to see my two younger brothers on Sunday, which was a real blessing. But it just made my heart hurt even more after they left. I want to be alone. Just have some f*cking alone time!!!

Even though I feel alone, I am surrounded by people all the time. I feel like I am alone, but I'm not. I am never alone here. I have nothing to eat. No money on my books. I have gotten a couple of letters this week but no pictures. The letters were nice though. I am just really going through it now. My heart and head are just tearing me apart and I want to hide or die or be home already. I don't know what's going on outside. I just want my life back. Because this is not a life. This is not a life.

This is a bad dream I am still waiting to wake up from. I know I can't win here. I don't want this place to seep into my spirit like I feel it has. I don't want this place to follow me home. I JUST WANT TO COME HOME!