Spanky Speaks

Written December 13, 2008

Dear Older Brother:

Although I wouldn't be able to see you today anyway due to your geographical location, I apologize because being in jail makes it impossible to speak to you on the phone.

And to my younger brother:

I apologize as well that I will not be around in the next couple days and will not be able to speak with you as well.

So to my older and younger brother, let me just say this: Sorry I am in jail on your birthday. Next year will be different.

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I wanted to include in this entry a conversation that occurred between my friend Rich and my friend Spanky about a month ago. This exchange sticks out in my mind for what reason I am not sure. But I just thought I would like to share a real conversation from jail with my readers. (I am severely editing this for explicit language.)

Richard

(speaking to someone else about the engine of a Prius)

Yeeah...I thought the thing was broken because when we stopped at a red light, the engine shut off. I guess that's just how it is designed though.
(Spanky walks up to the conversation.)

Spanky

Hey Richard.

Richard

What Spanky?

Spanky

Hey Richard...Richard...Richard...

Richard

(trying to remain cool and calm)

Yes Spanky?

Spanky

Hey Richard...

Richard

(starting to lose his patience)

Yes Spank?!

Spanky

What are you talking about?

Richard

Nothing Spanky. (Kicks rocks.)

Spanky

C'mon Richard! What are you talking about?

Richard

Nothing Spanky! Shut up will you?!

Spanky

But Richard...Richard if you don't teach me...how am I supposed to learn? Richard. C'mon tell me.

Richard

We already went over this Spanky, you can't learn. You're unable to learn, now shut up.

Spanky

Shut up!!! You wanna get chin checked? Hey Richard, you can get me one of those Blazers? One with two doors type one? OH! No like the two door GMC ones! You can get one for me? Like cheap? Like a older one?

Richard

Yeah sure, Spanky.

Spanky

Yeaahh! I'll throw some 22s on it. Lower it like two inches and put a system in it! Then I'll just be like... (imitating driving with the seat leaned back and a loud stereo system playing with a lot of bass) BMM BMMM BMM BMMM BMM BMMM BMM BMMM Skiirt Skiiiirrrt!

Richard

Yeah sure Spanky.

Spanky

I'll just be like... (continues his driving imitation and noises) What do you think Richard? Richard. You can hook that up for me?

Richard

Yeah Spanky.

Spanky

Or what about a Hummer Richard? Richard... Richard...Richard what about a Hummer?

Richard

What Spanky?! Yeah whatever. Just shut up.

Spanky

Shut up! You can get me a Hummer? Like cheap? What if I don't have good credit?

Richard

Spanky we go through this everyday at work. I can get whatever car eventually. It's just a matter of...

Spanky

Shuddup! You want me to knock yo ass out? Maaan...cuz. You get me a Hummer? I would just be like (starts imitating driving again with his sound system) BMM BMMM BMM BMMM (pantomimes waving while shifting gears) What do you think Richard? You get me a Hummer? Like cheap payments? I would just get somebody to drive me in it and I would just be chillding in the back with a chick. Then she could say she was chillin' in a Hummer.

Richard

Yeah Spanky. We'll just...

Spanky

Shuddup Richard!

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That's pretty much how it went. Just with a lot of cursing and a lot more vulgar and degrading references towards women and sexual acts. But yeah, that's part of life in yellow tent. You can't imagine how fun it is to actually hear it acted out.

But hopefully you never will.