Happy New Year's Everybody

Written late New Year's Eve 2008

It is shortly before the ball drops. I only know this because the deputies were nice enough to leave the countdown celebration on so that we might see it from our cells. These are the last words I am going to write in 2008. Here, while everyone else is out celebrating and yelling and drinking and kissing someone, I am by myself while Rico my cellmate is asleep. In jail. Writing.

I don't ever want to feel this hollow again. All I can think about is, "What are the people I love doing right now?" It's going to kill me to think about it and I am almost certain that I will get even less sleep tonight than most sleepless nights I have spent here.

Are they having a good time? Who are they with? Do you think in the excitement of everything, that they'll even think of me at all? I know some will. Probably most won't. The person running through my mind right now as I write this, undoubtedly will not waste a second to think of me before whisking off to whatever after party or whatever it is that is planned. But no matter how much that hurts me to admit, it's true and I know it. And I deserve it too. This is no mix up I'm here, no accident. I put myself here. I am the only reason that I am not enjoying tonight like everyone else is. But I can tell you this: I am not going to do this again. I can't. I can take a lot, but this is overkill. I am usually depressed on holidays as it is, and I can honestly say that being in jail for the holidays didn't really help too much.

Well...it's 2009 Happy New Year's everybody.