A Year Done

Written New Year's Eve, 2008

Well today is the last day that I am going to be in jail...in 2008. I don't get to see freedom until next year.

but it's alright, 'cause some enchanted
night, I'll be with you*

A year done. I wrote a letter similar to this one to my Mom a week or so ago, with basically the same sentiments. I just wanted to make this one more of a blanket statement to everyone I have come in contact with over this last year. It will include my Mom in it, and if you hear something that pertains to you than know you were included in it too.

This is the last chance in 2008 I get to say sorry to those whom I have wronged, so I'm taking it. I will do my best to not get upset and angry or get really depressed so that it shows in my writing. But when you commit to writing something like this, and being completely honest, there's really no going back afterwards.

So here it is. All I can do is hope and pray that you all forgive me. And make a promise to you all that next year will not see me making these same mistakes, or doing these same things again.

I wanted to say I am sorry. I apologize. For everything. For everything I did over this last year. For everything you already know about, and for everything you didn't know about. I am sorry that I let a lot of you down by relapsing. I let myself down too in that, but it didn't seem to matter at the time. I am sorry that I let you down and I am sorry I didn't ask for help. I know you would have been there, but it was too hard to come to you after how proud you had been. I was ashamed, and scared of what you would think.

But I know now that I should have come to you. And I'm sorry. I am sorry for all the craziness I put you through. All of you. I am sorry for taking advantage of your friendships because I knew you wouldn't turn your backs on me no matter how over the top or crazy my behavior got. You probably should've turned your backs on me more than a few times. I am sorry I used you, even if it was just for sympathy. I've been used too, and I know quite well what it can do to someone, and I had no right to turn around and do it to you.

I am sorry I wasn't a better son. I am sorry I wasn't a better boyfriend. I am sorry I wasn't a better ex-boyfriend. I am sorry I wasn't a better friend. And I am sorry I wasn't a better person. I am sorry about all the things I did and said to you that hurt both of us and caused division just because I was confused and wounded in my heart. I didn't know how to handle what I was going through clean, or at all. And I made every wrong decision I could it seems.

I am sorry I let the air out your tires on April Fool's day. And I am sorry that before my shift ended that one time I switched salt into the sugar bowl and put sugar in the salt shakers and got you in trouble. I am sorry for rumors I started about you out of anger. And I am sorry for cutting remarks I would make to you and about you in public.

I am sorry if I gave you the wrong idea, and then ran with it when I saw I could benefit from it. I am sorry I am morbid. I am sorry I like to give the impression at times that I think very highly of myself and that I don't care about you. It's a front to hide behind. I am sorry I purposely didn't keep in better touch so that I could have a better excuse.

I am sorry I took advantage of your love and kindness toward me. I am just sorry for everything. And I am sorry to all of you. And although none of you have to give a damn about my apology, or forgive me, or ever talk to me again, I pray that you do.

I hope and pray that you can forgive me, you will forgive me, you do forgive me. We move on from this to a better place. Accept my promise that I will do everything within my power to never let it happen again. Not on my part. Let's leave it in 2008.

*Miss Misery by Elliott Smith