We haven't conversed, so anything she knows about me or my character and personality was learned primarily through reading www.jordansinjail.blogspot.com or through speaking with people who have known me.
This led me to ponder:
What am I like to people who've never really met me and only know me from my blog?Do I come across to people reading it the same as I feel writing it? Does that even make sense?
I began this blog for a few reasons. One was so my friends and extended family could know what I am up to in here. Another is so people that have never been to jail can get a glimpse of what someone may go through here, and to just educate. Also I wanted to have something to do! And it's been a real blessing. Also, I wanted to be able to chronicle my experience here so later I could go back and be able to see the changes I was lucky and blessed enough to go through. I can always look back and remember why it is that I never want to go back.
Most of my readers are family and friends I've known for some time. Others are people I may have been incarcerated with at one point along the way (which reminds me, what's up Tex! Robinson! Tristan! Holla atcha boy!) who have already been released. I am also aware of a growing number of deputies of the OCSD who read. Plus there's a whole bunch of other people I may have never met before.
Now in my return letter to this young lady who I mentioned above, I wrote that I hope the things she heard about me as a person are all still true. And it caused me to think about the fact that I am quite different in a lot of ways than the person I was before I was taken to jail almost three and a half months ago. Since then I have:
- done things I never thought I would have to do
- formed relationships I never would have given a second look
- accomplished things I am proud of, and
- had to do things I am in no way proud of and am going to have to live with
Am I still going to feel the same way about certain people once I am back? Are people going to feel the same way about me? Are all of my clothes still going to fit?
Will I live up to the "persona" that people who only know me from the blog see?
Am I really better or worse than before? How many questions can I ask in a row?
Who am I now and who will I be when I get out? I don't know.
I have been so long immersed in the persona I have to be here that sometimes it is hard to remember the person I was. I am not even 100% sure yet of who it is I want to be when I am released.
Are girls going to like me and think I'm cute now that I have short, shaved hair? As you can tell I have a lot of time to think here.
I have gotten letters as a result of the blog from plenty of people I don't know, but it wasn't until the letter I got today that I actually thought about the Jordan that is portrayed. I got a letter a few days back from someone I was at the farm with named Ryan (Tex is his nickname, he's from Texas) and it was great, because I can clearly remember who it is that he was writing to, because it was like a month ago that we were together. But I also got a letter from one of my very best friends, Isaiah, whom I have known for over a decade and love dearly. Isaiah has known me at many different times in my life, and probably is one of the people I can say knows me the best. And at this juncture I may not fully remember the Jordan I was the last time I saw him.
I am told it'll take a while to get back to normal, and I hope rediscovering the person I was will be like riding a bicycle. I also want to take certain aspects of the "old" Jordan that were healthy and good traits, and combine them with the new healthy and good traits God has blessed me with through my experience here. And I can come back the best of both worlds! The new and improved hybrid Jordan! Or at least a Jordan that doesn't disappoint those with certain pre-fabricated images of me based on my writing and my blog.
I know that I may come off as completely flawless and perfect, devoid of any error. But alas I assure you, I wake up and put my pants on one leg at a time just like all you mortals out there reading this. I am quite flattered really, but I am just like you.
Anyway, to the young lady who wrote me the letter that sparked all of this questioning of myself...thank you. It was very sweet of you. I enjoyed it thoroughly, and don't worry, I know you didn't intend by writing it to send me spiraling into a tailspin of questions.
I am fairly certain you know who you are; if you don't I won't put you on blast.* I look forward to meeting you in a few weeks. Don't be surprised if I am not up to par with who the blog says I am. I try not to, but I still swear sometimes. I don't look anything like the guy in the pictures anymore. I am all pale and tired looking with short hair and tattoos all over me.
But I do still very much appreciate the letter and please write back soon and tell your friends about the blog. And with that...I am going to cross another day on my little calendar, one more day down, one more day closer to home, and go to sleep. Or probably read a couple more chapters in the new book I just started, The Bonfire of the Vanities by Tom Wolfe, and then go to sleep. Anyway, goodnight everybody.*to expose or make known. (From the Urban Dictionary Web site.)
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