What Was I Thinking?

Written January 7, 2009

Sooo...I woke up this morning, and I had a painful thought stuck right in my head...or I guess my face.

What the hell was I thinking getting dental work done in jail?!

My face is way more swollen than it's supposed to be. I barely slept at all last night. After the stuff they injected into my face wore off it felt like the whole left side of my face was one big throbbing bruise. I look in the mirror, and when I turn one way, oh look it's Jordan, I know that guy. But when I turn the other way it's like, Geez who is that fatass! It looks like he's hiding an apple in his cheek! Or like he got stung by a bunch of bees, but only on the left side of his face.

I could barely eat because my jaw is so swollen that it's hard to open it wide enough to get the spoon in there. I love apples, but that wasn't happening. My toffee peanuts sit in my little property area, completely untouched. I was told I would feel slightly feverish by the dentist, but I didn't think it would be like this. I couldn't even work out this morning when I tried and I still feel as if I can't. I opted to sleep instead of going to outdoor rec today just because of how crummy I'm feeling and how tired I am.

My voice sounds (literally) like Richard M. Nixon because of how my cheek is so swollen. I have been giving little presidential speeches all day whenever I've been awake. I must have resigned from office about 50 times already today. And my cellmate and just about anyone else who can hear know by now that "I...am NOT a crook."



I knew it was going to hurt and be a little puffy. But I didn't think it would compromise the structural integrity of my entire head! The guy with "15 St." tattooed above his right eyebrow stares at me as if I had a horn growing out of my head. Actually a horn have more useful applications aside from enabling me to talk like Nixon.

What was I thinking getting oral surgery done in jail! Well, I was thinking, it's free. But obviously not! It's cost me my dignity and my appearance! The Danish dentist seemed nice enough, but now I realize why he works in the Orange County Jail and not in a private practice. Who knows how many people are out there, deformed, shunned by society, scavenging for scraps of food and old muffin bottoms because of this Danish dentist and his little Asian assistant! And now I have fallen victim to their sick game! I wonder if he is really even Danish. Man what have I done?

No wonder the medical release for the procedure was gnarly! Why didn't I think? Some of the the things on that release were from the Spanish Inquisition! Possible side effects? And now they got me. I am doomed to be a hideous wretch the rest of my ugly life.

I'll never find true friendship again, only pity friendship. I will never know the love of a woman who truly cares for me, unless of course she is blind and I steer her away from feeling the left side of my face. I will never find gainful employment unless I stuff the right side of my face with tissue so it looks swollen too and become a Nixon impersonator.

I was thinking, "Well I lost four months of my life to this place, at least I can get some dental work done for free." But now I haven't lost just four months of my life, I have lost my future! Unless I am just overreacting about my face being swollen (a possibility) the Orange County justice system has scarred my heart and my mind with the treatment I have suffered through over the time I've been here...and now they have scarred my outward appearance!

Couldn't they have done it a few months ago to give me some time to come to grips with it and accept my new role in life as a hideous freak who sounds like Nixon? Noooooo....they couldn't do that! They had to do it right before I go home in 12 days! I'm ruined everyone! I'll keep you updated to any new developments, but please, try to remember me the way I was before THEY did this to me, back when I was beautiful and eager to live!