The Price Ain't Right

Written January 14, 2009

I am watching The Price Is Right from my cell. I am stuck in my cell until 5:00 pm but luckily for me I can very clearly see the television in the dayroom. Anyway, Drew Carey is the host now, whatever. An ex-girlfriend of mine went on the show and won the "showcase showdown" and won a boat and a trip to Hawaii and all kinds of crap. But whenever I think of The Price Is Right, I think about the misery I have been wearing on me for all to see over the past months I have been in jail. I think about Bob Barker. Bob Barker and his millions, and how he is still profiting from the misery I wear and the visible discomfort of many, many more. Now I did bring this misery upon myself. We all did. It's just Bob Barker whose made it possible to live in this uniform depression we all share here in the Orange County jail system.

Rumor has it that old Booby owns a few clothing companies. There's "Barker's Blues" and "BBC" (which stands for Bob Barker Clothing). They make blue jean jackets, work boots, black socks, white boxers, blue pants, orange pants, orange slip-on shoes, blue smock, top shirts, orange smock top shirts and possibly more. Now the reason that you won't be able to go out and buy yourself some "Barkers" is because Bob Barker's clothing company has exclusive contracts to make all the clothing and shoes for every inmate that's in jail in Orange County.

And now, I am certain about OC, but the Bob Barker Company may make the clothes for other counties as well. I've never been to jail in any other county, nor do I have any desire to do so. Can it be true that Bob Barker, that smiling white haired old man with the voice that's as smooth a button dipped in gold from the Price is Right has literally cornered the market on jail clothing in OC? And it'd be one thing if it was something he could be proud of. But you never hear someone who just got out of jail singing the praises of Bob Barker and how great the clothes there were. BBC specializes in clothes that can be worn over a billion different times by millions of different people and not get any more comfy, only more shot out. BBC specializes in pants that are either too short with a loose waist or too long with a tight waist. The shoes are actually alright, for like a week! And that's if by some crazy twist of fate you're the one in a million that the gods smile on who somehow received a brand new pair.

To be fair to this patriarch of cheesy old game show hosts who are somehow still alive far past their usefulness there very well could be some other guy named Bob Barker whose making the clothes of criminals. And when I say "making" what I mean is he collects checks while 7 and 8 year-old Malaysian kids work 16 hours a day at 3.2 cents an hour or whatever the going rate is. That's right people, I don't have proof, but when one puts on jail clothes, you can just tell that they were made by little hands.

I have no beef with Bob. I am sure he's a swell guy. Driving out to his Palm Springs home for a week in his Cadillac, all of it paid for by his participation in a turn of the century game show he was on for too long and possib ly his hand in clothing the criminals of Orange County. I don't know. Something about that seems shady. I am not sure what exactly, but it's hard to see Bob Barker the same way now. H just looks wily and shyster to me now. Even if he has absolutely nothing to do with it at all except for it being his money that started the whole thing and his name on the stuff, it's still bad.

Pretty much anything that has to do with the OCSD is shifty and underhanded in some way or another. I don't care if you're hired just to change the jail's light bulbs twice a month, you're dirty somehow.

So when I see Bob, think about Bob, or actually Drew Carey for that matter, the words "the price is freedom" come to my mind. And that price, ain't right! And I ain't payin' anymore Bob! I may have destroyed a lot of your clothes in my time, surely making it so the county had to buy more eventually. But no more! I am outta here! I am going to be destroying my own clothes soon! Well not like...you know what I mean! Bob! My misery isn't going to pay for your golf clubs anymore!

Geez, I'm sorry. did you see how quickly it turned on Bob Barker? I really have no real reason to dirct my anger at him. Sorry Bob. I'm just getting out soon, and I guess I'm a little excitable. I'm going to stop now.